Chapter 60

 

 “Push, Ashton! Push!”

 

“I am pushing!”

 

“Well push harder!” Doctor Covelli urged.  “I’ve got one shoulder. Give me the other one.”

 

“I can’t!”

 

“Yes you can,” the doctor said, echoed by Johnny’s soft, “You can do it, Ashton.  Come on, push.”

 

The woman’s feet were in stirrups, her upper body in a half-seated position on the delivery table.  She threw her head back against the pillows, squeezing her eyes shut and groaning while straining to push in time to a powerful contraction.  Johnny stood by Ashton’s head offering encouragement. She clenched his left hand with an intensity that barely allowed him to wiggle his fingertips. 

 

Johnny glanced up at the delivery room clock.  2:24 p.m.  They’d arrived at the hospital at quarter to six that morning.  It was ten-thirty before Ashton’s labor started in earnest.  Johnny hadn’t been sure what to expect from her at that time.  Considering she didn’t want to be pregnant, and considering she’d just told him a few hours earlier that she didn’t love him, he figured she’d be calling him a bastard with every strong pain while vowing to kill him before this was all over with.  He’d heard of other women saying things like that when in labor, and they supposedly loved their mates.  Therefore, he’d steeled himself to be on the receiving end of mountains of verbal abuse. But that’s not what happened. 

 

Whether Ashton kept herself in-check because she was surrounded by co-workers, or whether screaming obscenities while in labor wasn’t what women of Rockefeller heritage did, Johnny wasn’t certain.  He decided not to question her stoic reaction, and instead be thankful that everything that had gone wrong in their relationship wasn’t publicly aired at the top of her lungs. After all, he too was among co-workers in a sense.  He’d been with the Denver Fire Department for almost seven years now.  Because of that, he knew the Emergency Room staff well, and because of his long relationship with Ashton, he knew a number of other doctors and nurses in the hospital.  Although he rarely encountered anyone from the Labor and Delivery floor, gossip traveled quickly, so if Ashton started cussing him out and saying she didn’t love him and had never wanted to have his baby in the first place, that news would reach the ER staff long before the child was born.

 

Since that’s not how the day played out, for once Johnny found himself silently thanking Margaret for Ashton’s haughty upbringing and good breeding.  Ashton even allowed Johnny to do what little he could for her throughout the morning and into the early afternoon.  Bring her ice chips.  Rub her back.  Change the channel on the TV set.  Anyone casually observing them wouldn’t have guessed their relationship had been on a downhill slide for over a year, and that Ashton didn’t want the child she was soon to give birth to, nor love the man who’d fathered it.

 

            They’d been in the delivery room for twenty minutes now.  Johnny’s medical knowledge allowed him the assurance that things were progressing smoothly, with Ashton’s vitals signs and the baby’s vitals remaining strong and within normal ranges.  Once again, he urged along with the doctor, “Push, Ashton.  Come on, you can do it.  Push!”

 

            “Push, Ashton!” Doctor Covelli commanded. “One more big push and it’ll be all over!”

 

            “It better be,” Ashton muttered through gritted teeth.  Johnny supported her back as she struggled to sit up again. Her face contorted with either pain or concentration, Johnny wasn’t sure which, as she pushed so hard her legs shook.  “Oh God!  Oh God!  Oh God!”  For the first time since arriving at the hospital she let some of her guard down. “This sucks!  It really sucks, John!  It sucks like you wouldn’t believe!”

 

            “I know,” Johnny soothed, “but you’re almost done.  Push. Just keep pushing.”

 

            Johnny expected to hear Doctor Covelli telling Ashton to push again, but instead, he heard a triumphant, “Got it!” followed by the hardy squall of a newborn who sounded furious over being forced from the comfort of his mother’s womb.

 

            Johnny heard the chuckle in the doctor’s voice. “Goodness, but does this young man have a temper.”   She looked from Johnny to the exhausted Ashton. “And just who does he get that from?”

 

            Johnny pointed a finger at Ashton, while at the same time she pointed a weak one at him. The doctor chuckled again, then held the baby up by his ankles to give the new parents their first look at their bloody child with his mouth wide open, face screwed into an angry knot, and tiny fists flailing.

 

            It wasn’t until then that the phrase Doctor Covelli had used to refer to the baby –“young man” – registered with Johnny. His astonishment was plain to hear.

 

“It’s a boy?”

 

“Looks like one to me,” the doctor teased.

 

“A boy,” Johnny murmured as a grin spread across his face he couldn’t have suppressed even if someone had held a gun to his head.  “A boy.  It’s a boy.”

 

Johnny’d heard it said that every man wanted a son.  He’d never thought too much about that old saying however, because when Jessie was born the song “Thank Heaven for Little Girls” summed up just how he felt about having a daughter.  Because he’d been so certain Ashton would present him with another daughter, he’d been focused on making sure he didn’t think of her as a replacement for Jessie, but rather a child with her own individual personality, features, temperament, and likes and dislikes.  He hadn’t given consideration to how he’d feel if the baby were a boy. A boy.  Johnny was the father of a son.  He was so taken by surprise that he found himself staring at the naked child just to make certain he’d heard the doctor correctly.

 

He turned and kissed Ashton on the forehead, gently brushing her sweat soaked hair from her face.  “A boy.  We have a boy.”

 

She gave him a tender smile. The kind he hadn’t been the recipient of in many months now.  “I see that.”    

 

“He’s beautiful.”

 

Ashton glanced at the baby now resting on her stomach.  “He looks just like you.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Johnny studied the child.  He didn’t see any of Ashton’s features in him, but then, Johnny didn’t exactly see any of his features either, other than the coal black hair matted to the baby’s head.  All he saw was a bloody newborn who could have belonged to anyone at this point.  Maybe when he was cleaned up, Johnny would see more of himself in the child.  Maybe even a little bit of Jessie, since everyone had always said she looked just like him.  None of that really mattered though. Johnny didn’t care who his son looked like – his side of the family, Ashton’s side of the family, or a little bit of both – the only thing of importance was that the child was healthy.

 

            Doctor Covelli handed Johnny a pair of scissors and had him cut the cord, then a nurse suctioned the remaining secretions from the baby’s nose and mouth that his crying hadn’t dislodged. The baby was then wiped off, wrapped in a warm towel, and handed to Johnny. While Ashton remained in the delivery room to be cleaned up and stitched, Johnny followed a nurse to a room down the hall where he helped the woman wash the baby, weigh him, measure him, and press his tiny footprints onto a birth certificate that would be completed later.

 

            After the baby was taken to the nursery, Johnny was given a wristband identifying him as the child’s father.  He’d have to display it any time he requested the baby be allowed to leave the nursery with him. A nurse then went over instructions on the security procedures in place to prevent anyone from leaving the floor with a baby, and told Johnny where the Parents’ Lounge was located. 

 

            “You can take the baby in there any time you want to, Mr. Gage, as long as either the mother or a nurse know that’s where you have the child.  Otherwise, we ask that you don’t take him from the mother’s room unless you’re bringing him back to the nursery.”

 

            “All right.”

 

Once those things were out of the way, Johnny was directed to the nurses’ lounge and told to use the phone there to make all the calls he wanted to. Being Doctor Riley’s “significant other” proved to be a plus in this case.  Any other new father would have had to use the payphone in the hall to announce his baby’s arrival to family and friends.

 

The lounge was empty when Johnny entered.  He could barely contain his excitement as he waited for his call to Montana to connect in his father’s home.  Chad answered on the second ring.  He barely got his “Hello,” out before Johnny declared, “Dad, you’ve got a grandson!”

 

            “I’ve got a what?”

 

            “A grandson!” Johnny announced to his astonished father.  Evidently Chad had been expecting a girl as well. “Seven pounds six ounces, twenty one inches long, and a set of lungs on him like you wouldn’t believe.”

 

            “Sounds just like his father.”

 

            Johnny laughed. “Maybe.”

 

            “I hope so, because you deserve the same sleepless nights I had walking a screaming baby boy up and down the hallway.  Your mother said it was colic.  I told her if she’d quit picking you up every time you cried, you wouldn’t be so spoiled.”

 

            Johnny smiled. He’d heard this story numerous times.  And if he was now going to be paid back for all the times his dad walked the floor with him in the middle of the night, then so be it. Johnny couldn’t be happier at the thought.    

 

            “Did Ashton come through it all right?”

 

            “Yeah. She’s fine.”

 

            “And the baby? My grandson’s healthy?”

 

            “Healthy as a horse.”

 

            “Now that’s something I understand.”

 

            Chad called to Marietta and told her to pick up the phone in the bedroom. Johnny repeated the information he’d just told his father, then asked his dad to give Reah and his grandfather the news.

 

            “Sure will,” Chad promised. “I’ll call ‘em as soon as we hang up. When do you want me and Marietta to come out there? Our offer to help still stands.”

 

            Johnny’s father still wasn’t aware of his problems with Ashton.  Several months earlier, he and Marietta had said they’d come stay for a week or two after the baby was born and help out in any way they could if Johnny and Ashton wanted them to.  For now, all Johnny said was, “I’ll let you know, Dad.  Let me…us…let us get settled and have a few days to adjust to things.”

 

            “Just don’t make me wait too long. I wanna see my grandson before he’s walking.”

 

            “You will,” Johnny promised with a laugh.  “Long before he’s walking, believe me. I’ll call you in a couple of days and let you know what’ll work best.”

 

            “Okay. We’ll be waiting to hear from you.”

 

            Before Johnny could say goodbye, Marietta’s voice came over the line again.

 

“John, what’s the baby’s name?”

 

            “He doesn’t have one yet.”

 

            “No?”

 

            “Uh huh.  Ashton and I need to talk about that.”

 

            “I should say so.  The poor little guy needs a name.”

 

            “I know he does,” Johnny agreed.  “That’s on my list of things to get done.”

 

            “I hope it’s high on your list.”

 

            Johnny chuckled at the woman’s teasing. “It is.”

 

            Johnny told his father and stepmother goodbye, disconnected the call, then phoned Greg.  They were off-duty today, so after sharing the good news with his partner he phoned Lee Marshall.  That call held two purposes.  To inform his captain of the baby’s birth, and to let the man know he’d now be taking the three weeks of vacation time he’d banked for this event.

 

            Lee offered Johnny his congratulations, promised he’d let the rest of the crew know about the baby’s birth, and agreed to the time off Johnny had prearranged with him.

 

            “You bring that boy by the station and show him off whenever you think he’s ready to venture out into the world.”

 

            “Will do, Cap.  If the doctor thinks it’s okay, I’ll stop by with him one day next week.”

 

            “We’ll look forward to it.  As the father of two sons, I know just how you feel right now, John.”

 

            “Like I’m walking on a cloud.”

 

            “Yep, that’s just how I felt when both of my boys were born.  Enjoy it while you can. All too soon he’ll be fifteen, and you’ll be tempted to stuff a rag in his mouth on some days.”

 

            “I’m sure I will be,” Johnny laughed.  “But right now, I’m just gonna take it one day at a time and have fun with my little boy.”

 

            “You do that.  Believe me, the time goes by too fast.  Before you know it, you’ll be sending him off to college and wondering where the years went.”

 

            “I’m sure I will be. Thanks for everything, Cap. See ya’ soon.”

 

            Johnny disconnected that call.  He sat on the couch beside the phone, wondering if he should call Ashton’s parents next.  He finally decided not to.  Given all the unknowns between himself and Ashton right now, he’d let her give them the news of the baby’s arrival.

 

            Even though he’d been gone from L.A. for almost seven years and hadn’t spoken to any of the DeSotos during that time, Johnny had a strong urge to call Roy and Joanne and tell them he’d just become the father of a healthy baby boy.  The desire to share the news with them was overwhelming, but not so overwhelming that he actually placed that call. Roy wouldn’t want to hear from him, and aside from that, what was going on in his life no doubt meant little to Jo and the kids now. He’d been gone so long that Chris and Jenny probably never thought of him, and John probably didn’t remember him.  It was a sad fact of life that time and distance could wash away even the strongest of bonds. 

 

            Johnny stood and exited the lounge as two nurses entered for their afternoon break.  He stopped at the nursery, looking through glass and scanning the bassinets until he saw a card that read Baby Gage above an infant wrapped in a blue and white striped receiving blanket and wearing a blue knit cap. 

 

            “Well, Baby Gage,” the new father said, “we gotta do better than that for you.  I’m gonna go talk to your mom right now and get you a proper name.  Let’s both hope she doesn’t want something highfalutin like Rockefeller Gage, or Kennedy Gage, or something like that.  I promise I’ll do my best to talk her out of anything that makes it sound like you’re gonna spend your weekends playing polo at some fancy country club on Long Island.”

 

            Ashton was sound asleep when Johnny arrived at the private room a nurse directed him to. 

 

            So much for settling on a name for our son.

 

            He quietly crossed the floor to where her bag was sitting between the closet and small dresser.  He unzipped it, got his camera out, and returned to the nursery.  He used up a roll of film snapping picture after picture of his newborn boy.  He returned to Ashton’s room, put the camera away without disturbing her sleep, exited, and stopped at the nurses’ station.

 

            “If Ashton wakes up, would you let her know I left for a while to get something to eat.”

 

            “Sure, Mr. Gage,” a nurse smiled. “We’ll let her know.”

 

            “Thanks.”

 

            Johnny’s last meal had been at six o’clock the previous evening.  He was beyond starving, and felt like his stomach was trying to chew its way through to his backbone.  He bypassed the hospital cafeteria, walking out the lobby doors, turning left, and heading through the parking lot and down the sidewalk to a restaurant he ate at every so often with some of the guys after paramedic meetings.  They served breakfast twenty-four hours a day, which was exactly what Johnny was in the mood for, despite the fact that it was late afternoon. 

 

He entered the quiet establishment.  Due to the time of day, there was only a smattering of patrons.  The cooks’ chatter drifted out from the kitchen, and three waitresses were clustered together by the cash register talking. Johnny chose a corner booth, ordering pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs, hash browns, toast, and a large glass of milk.  He wanted to shout, “Hey, I’ve got a son!  I’ve got a brand new baby boy!” but refrained from making a spectacle of himself.  He couldn’t keep from mentioning his son’s birth to his waitress though, who was polite enough to act genuinely interested and ask all the right questions, like if the baby was healthy, how much he weighed, how long he was, and what his name was.  When Johnny said he didn’t have a name, she made a game of collecting suggestions from the other customers, the waitresses and cooks.  Johnny accepted the napkin she handed him with a list of names scrawled on it.  He read through the names, didn’t see any that he particularly liked or seemed to fit the baby sleeping in the hospital’s nursery, but folded the list and put in his shirt pocket as though it was worth consulting again because he didn’t want to hurt the woman’s feelings.    

 

“Thank you.  Maybe his mother and I’ll use one of these.”

 

“Either way, congratulations on your new baby boy.”

 

Johnny couldn’t help but grin like a fool at the phrase “new baby boy.”  

 

“Thanks.”

 

Johnny stood up and grabbed that day’s edition of the Denver Post from a rack in the corner where numerous papers were kept. 

 

The paramedic read until his food arrived.  He folded it, pushed it aside, and ate with the kind of ravenous appetite he hadn’t possessed in several months now.  When he was finished, he asked for a refill on his milk. After the waitress took his empty plates away, Johnny sat drinking his second glass of milk while he finished reading the paper.  It felt good to sit down and relax.  Aside from not having eaten since the previous evening, he also hadn’t sleep much.  He’d gone to bed at ten, but had woken up shortly after midnight. It was then he’d realized Ashton wasn’t home yet and had called the hospital in an effort to locate her. When he’d been told she’d left at nine-thirty, he was awake the rest of the night worrying about her and wondering where she was.  He’d have returned to bed after their early morning fight had she not gone into labor.  Now that his stomach was full, a long nap sounded good.  He looked at his watch. It was twenty minutes after five. He didn’t have time to go home and take a nap, but if nothing else, he could probably be headed to the condo by eight-thirty and get a good night’s sleep before returning to the hospital to visit Ashton and the baby tomorrow.

 

Johnny stayed at the restaurant until the supper crowd started to arrive at six. He stood, left a tip on the table, returned the newspaper to the rack, and paid his bill at the cash register on his way out.  He took his time walking back to the hospital, enjoying the spring air and one of the first evenings of the season when you didn’t need to wear a jacket.   

 

The paramedic entered Central Hospital through the Emergency Room.  He hung around the nurses’ station for the next half hour, soaking up congratulations from the staff that had grown to become friends in the same way Rampart’s ER staff had. He felt a tug of sentimental longing to call Dixie. Boy, wouldn’t she be surprised when he announced, “Hey, Dix, this is Johnny!  Guess what?  I’ve just become the father of a baby boy!”

 

But for a lot of reasons, Johnny couldn’t make that phone call any more than he could call the DeSotos.  Too many years had passed to try and reconnect with his friends in L.A. now.  In addition to that, he’d always vowed he wouldn’t come between Roy and his kids. Even though he doubted Chris and Jen gave him even a fleeting thought, he couldn’t risk them finding out where he lived.  So he resisted the urge to call Dixie, basked a little longer in the attention showered on him by the ER nurses, promised he’d bring his son down to see them when the baby was released from the hospital on Friday morning, and then headed to the gift shop.  He bought the baby his first teddy bear, paying an outrageous price for it but not caring that he could have picked up the same exact toy at Wal-Mart for half the cost.  His next purchase was a large vase of flowers for Ashton.  A lot of men might not have been so generous considering the things she’d said to him that morning, but again, he didn’t care.  She’d presented him with a beautiful boy.  For that alone she deserved some show of gratitude.

 

Johnny stopped by the nursery on his way to Ashton’s room, but his son’s bassinet was missing.  Just as he was about to panic, thinking something was wrong with the baby or he’d been kidnapped, a sympathetic nurse with a kind smile who must have recognized the paranoid thoughts of a new father pointed down the hall. 

 

“He’s with his mother, Mr. Gage.”

 

Johnny smiled with relief. “Thanks.  Guess I gotta learn not to worry every time he’s out of my sight.”

 

“You can try, but don’t count on ever mastering it,” the woman said with an authority that led Johnny to conclude she had children of her own.

 

Johnny hurried down the hall to Ashton’s room, anxious to see his son.  He’d only been gone a couple of hours, but it felt like he’d been separated from the baby for days.

 

The door was closed when he arrived.  He knocked twice, then opened it and poked his head in.  Ashton was sitting up in bed with the baby sleeping in her arms.  She wasn’t wearing a hospital gown any longer; dressed now in the pajamas Johnny had packed for her.  He could tell she’d showered while he was gone.  She was wearing a fresh application of makeup, and her hair was pulled back in a French braid.  She must have eaten too, because a supper tray with a few bites of food left on it sat on the bedside tray that Ashton had wheeled out of her way.  He pushed the door open with one shoulder and let it swing shut behind him with a soft “thud.” 

 

With the vase in one hand and the teddy bear in the other, he crossed to the bed.  He bent and kissed the top of her head.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“For what?”

 

“Our son.”

 

Ashton didn’t reply as Johnny sat the vase and bear on the top of the dresser across from the bed.  She studied the flowers a moment, then said, “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

 

“Considering you gave me the best possible present you could have at two twenty-nine this afternoon, yeah, I did have to get you something.  Sorry it couldn’t have been something bigger and better.”

 

“Like what?”

 

Johnny shrugged.  “I dunno.  A new Mercedes maybe?”

 

Ashton chuckled, but the sound was hollow, as though she was only laughing at Johnny’s joke because she knew he expected her to.

 

Johnny sat down in the chair next to Ashton’s bed.  “I didn’t call your folks.  I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to, or if you plan on telling them.”

 

“I’ll…I’ll call them.  Did you call your dad?”

 

Johnny grinned. “Yeah. He’s almost as thrilled as I am.”

 

“I’m sure he is.”

 

Johnny peered at the sleeping bundle in Ashton’s arms.  Now that the baby was clean and his skin tone more normal than the blotchy red it had been right after his birth, Johnny thought that maybe he could see some resemblance to himself.  He was still wearing his little blue stocking cap, but wisps of thick unruly black hair were sticking out and headed in five different directions.

 

He’s definitely got my hair, Johnny thought with a laugh.  I bet when he gets older the ends will curl if it gets long.  You’ll hate that, little guy.  Sorry about passing that trait on to you.

 

Johnny reached out two fingers and rubbed them over the baby’s smooth cheek. 

 

“We need to pick out a name for this young man.”

 

“I told you that you can name him whatever you want to.”

 

The man drew his attention from his son to the boy’s mother. “I don’t wanna do that without your input, Ashton.  He’s yours too, you know.”

 

“No he’s not.”

 

“What?”

 

            She thrust the baby toward him as though the child suddenly meant nothing more to her than a sack of flour.  “Here. He’s yours. You wanted him, you raise him.”

 

            “But--”

 

           “No buts.” Ashton turned her face away from Johnny, but not before he saw the tears in her eyes. “This...this isn't easy for me, but I know...hell, John, I'll be a crappy mother. I never even played with dolls when I was a kid. I never even played with other kids when I was a kid. My mother says I was born a grown-up, and in a lot of ways I guess she's right. You'll...you'll give him everything he needs. The love...the love and attention a little boy needs to grow up to be a good man.”

            “So this means what?” Johnny asked while holding the sleeping infant in his arms.

 

            Ashton swiped at her eyes, then turned to look at him.  “It means I'm not coming back to the condo. I'll be moving in with a friend for the time being. In two months I head to New York to take a position with Metropolitan Hospital. Before I leave I'll see a lawyer. I'll grant you full custody of the baby.”

Johnny sat there with his mouth hanging open.  He hadn’t been sure what to expect from her when it came to their future, but now that the baby was here, now that he was a living, tangible being they’d created together, he was stunned at how easily she was willing to walk away from her child. 

 

“Ashton, we can work something out.  Come and stay at the condo for a while.  At least until you’re ready to move to New York.  We can discuss joint custody of some kind then.  You don’t have to--”

 

“Yes I do, John.  Yes, I do.”

 

“But why?”

 

“Because it’ll be easier on you,” her eyes traveled the baby, “and on him, if I’m never a part of his life.  I’ll pay all the attorney fees.  It won’t cost you a dime, and in the end, he’ll be all yours to raise however you see fit. I won’t even ask for visitation. It’ll be as though I never existed.”

 

Johnny sat there for a few seconds, the only sounds in the room the soft coos and tiny squeaks the baby made in his sleep.

 

When the paramedic finally found his voice, he said, “There’s one problem with that.”

 

“What?”

 

“I’ll always know you existed, and some day your son will know it too.  What am I supposed to tell him when he asks me why he never sees his mother, Ashton?  Just what am I supposed to tell him?”

 

Johnny didn’t wait for her answer.  He stood and headed for the door with the baby in his arms, leaving the room without a backwards glance.  Johnny walked down the hall to the Parents’ Lounge where he sat alone rocking his son and wondering if he was up to the job of being both father and mother to this child, who in Johnny’s opinion, deserved nothing but the best of what the world had to offer.

 

Johnny kissed the tiny nose, then an ear, then the baby’s forehead. 

 

“Don’t you worry, kiddo,” he whispered with a confidence he wasn’t feeling.  “We’ll get through this together. Somehow your old man and you will get through this just fine.”

 

Johnny reluctantly returned the baby to the nursery when a nurse came to collect him at eight o’clock.  He left the hospital after seeing his child safely settled into the bassinet that was brought by a nurse’s aid from Ashton’s room.  He didn’t stop in and see Ashton before heading home.  He was done begging her to marry him.  He was done begging her to be a mother to their child.  He was done begging her for anything, and just wanted to return to the condo and get some much-needed sleep before facing his first full day of parenthood alone.

 

Chapter 61

 

Johnny avoided Ashton on Thursday, which was easy to do since she didn’t leave her room, and he didn’t venture into it.  He arrived at the hospital at nine, taking full advantage of the policy allowing fathers to remain on the maternity floor as long as they wanted to.  He spent most of the day with the baby in the Parents’ Lounge. From a helpful nurse, Johnny received a refresher course in changing diapers, bottle feeding, burping, bathing, and getting squirming little arms and legs into clothing.  Several nurses and a couple of the doctors from the ER came up to see Johnny and the baby.  When anyone asked where Ashton was, he replied, “Catching up on her sleep.”

 

After Johnny returned from eating lunch in the cafeteria, he got the baby from the nursery and entered the lounge once more.  He shared it with a young couple and their day old baby girl for the next hour. They’d just gotten up to leave when a nurse entered carrying a clipboard and a pen.  She smiled as she approached Johnny.

 

“Doctor Riley said I’d probably find you here.”

 

Johnny still hadn’t seen Ashton, but it was logical for her to assume he was in the lounge with the baby.  According to the rules, the only other place he could be with the infant was in her room, and he sure had no intention of going there.

 

The nurse perched on one end of the couch.  Johnny remained seated in the rocking chair next to her, slowly rocking back and forth as the baby slept in his arms.

 

“He doesn’t cause much of a fuss, does he,” the nurse commented, smiling at the content infant.

 

“He can. You just missed the twenty minute crying session that finally wore him out.”

 

“They all like to have a few of those every day when they’re this young.”

 

“Thanks for the warning.”

 

With a teasing lilt to her voice, she responded, “You’re welcome.”  The woman looked down at her clipboard.  “This is the baby’s birth certificate.  We need to complete it.”

 

Johnny glanced over at the thick parchment-like cream-colored sheet.  He could see Ashton’s signature on it under Mother’s Name, and Doctor Covelli’s signature under Attending Physician.  The date and time of birth were recorded, as was the baby’s birth weight and length. The little footprints Johnny had helped stamp on the document were present as well. 

 

“I need your signature on the line beneath where your name was printed by the computer.”

 

Johnny reached for the clipboard the woman held out to him. While she steadied it, he signed his name without waking the child in his arms.  When he was finished, he returned the pen to the nurse and sat back in the rocking chair again.

 

  And last but not least, I’ll need this little guy’s name.”

 

“His name?”

 

The woman nodded.  “He can’t leave the hospital without one.”

 

“Oh.  Well…I…his mother and I haven’t decided on one yet.”

 

“Can you decide this afternoon?”

 

“Uh…yeah. Yeah. Guess we’ll have to if he’s gotta have a name before he leaves here tomorrow morning.”

 

“How about if I give you some time to talk to Doctor Riley about it.  I’ll track you down again in an hour or so.  Is that all right?”

 

“Sure. Thanks.”

 

“No problem.”

 

The woman stood, taking her clipboard with her.  Johnny remained in the lounge, knowing there was no reason to discuss the baby’s name with Ashton.  She’d made it clear she wanted no part of her child, and that everything from naming him to raising him was Johnny’s responsibility.

 

The paramedic looked down at the sleeping bundle.  “Well, little guy, you don’t look much like a Laurel, do you?”

 

Laurel had been Johnny’s mother’s name, and what he’d finally decided on for a girl a few weeks earlier provided Ashton offered no protest.  If a marriage had taken place between them, he was even going to use Margaret as a middle name to gain some favor with Ashton’s mother.  If no marriage took place, then he’d decided on Laurel Kathleen. Kathleen in honor of Ashton’s Grandma Kate.  

 

But he wasn’t cradling a Laurel Margaret or Laurel Kathleen, so he mulled over the three names he’d narrowed it down to for a boy.  Chad Roderick – his father’s nickname and grandfather’s first name.  Justin Charles – Justin because he liked it, and Charles again in honor of his father.  Or Chad Bennett, honoring his father and Ashton’s father.  

 

            There’s no point in sucking up to Ben now, any more than I need to suck up to Margaret, Johnny thought while mentally crossing Chad Bennett off his list. 

 

            Johnny gazed at his son. For reasons he couldn’t explain, he didn’t think the baby looked like a Chad, or like a Justin for that matter. 

 

            “Hey, kiddo, could ya’ give your dad a clue about what your name should be?”

 

            Without disturbing his son, Johnny reached for the paperback book on the end table entitled 20,000 Names for Baby.  He wasn’t sure if a patient had left it behind, or if the hospital provided it. He leafed through it, slowing down when he arrived at the boys’ section, which was divided by chapter into alphabetical order.

 

            “How about Adrian?  Do you like that?”

 

            Johnny laughed when the baby wrinkled his nose in his sleep.

 

“Me neither.  Sounds like a sissy name for a boy, doesn’t it?”

 

“Bradley?  Brant? Brent?  Brent.  I kinda like that one.  Brent Gage.  Not too bad, but let’s see what else there is.”

 

Johnny proceeded through the alphabet, trying out names he liked to see how they sounded with Gage. 

 

“How about Lance?  Mmmm…let’s see here…Matthew? Nicholas?  Noah?  Quentin?  That’s not bad.  Quentin Gage. Whatta you think?”

 

As though he understood his father, the baby passed gas.  Johnny laughed again.

 

“I’ll take that as a no.”

 

            When he came to the T’s, he ran across a name he’d never considered before, but immediately liked the sound of.

 

            “Trevor.  Trevor Gage.” Johnny looked down at his son. “It’s not common, so the good thing is you won’t end up going to school with a dozen other Trevors, like I went to school with a dozen other Johns.  But it’s not weird either, and it doesn’t sound like a girl’s name, so you won’t get teased like you will if I name you Adrian.  Think it fits you, kiddo?”

 

            The baby cooed in his sleep, then gave a big stretch and an even bigger yawn, as though the matter was settled as far as he was concerned, and there was no need to discuss it further when you could be doing something more important – like taking an afternoon nap.

 

            “All right then. Trevor Gage it is.”

           

            Johnny put the book aside, not needing to search for a middle name. He’d use Charles, after his father.  Trevor Charles Gage.

 

            Satisfied that he’d picked a strong, independent sounding masculine name for his son, Johnny continued rocking the boy, letting his mind wander as he sat alone in the lounge.  The TV droned quietly in the background, tuned to some soap opera Johnny paid no attention to.

 

            So far it was easy being a father in the controlled environment of the hospital.  Johnny hadn’t allowed himself to think ahead to tomorrow, when he’d take Trevor home by himself.  Ashton wouldn’t be there to share the load when it came to diaper changes, two a.m. feedings, doctor’s appointments, the additional laundry generated by an infant, and everything else that went into running a household.  She wouldn’t be there to help with their son in any way.  He’d have to make some quick decisions about day-care or hiring a nanny.  The only twenty-four day-care facility Johnny knew of was run by the Denver Fire Department.  He’d picked up a pamphlet about the program at headquarters a few months back, but would need to review it.  If he remembered correctly, the facility didn’t take infants under six weeks of age, meaning he’d need to make some type of arrangements for Trevor’s care for at least three weeks after he returned to work. 

 

A nanny might be the best choice, but Johnny assumed that type of childcare was expensive.  Especially if he didn’t hire someone privately, but went through a state licensed agency that did background checks on its employees to give a parent at least a measure of assurance that the person watching his child wasn’t an axe murderer, drug abuser, or pedophile.  Since Ashton made more money than he did, Johnny could probably go through a lawyer and demand child support from her, but his pride wouldn’t let him.  Even if she offered him money, he’d never take it.  He’d be damned if he’d ever collect one red cent from her.  He’d provide fully for Trevor from infancy all the way through college without any financial assistance from Ashton.

 

Johnny tried to lose himself in the gentle rhythm of the rocking chair like his son had.  What he wouldn’t give for a nice long nap free of worries and concerns.  Free of doubts about his ability to raise his child alone. 

 

The paramedic found himself thinking of Roy and Joanne again.  If Trevor’s birth had happened ten years earlier, he could have counted on them for any help he needed. He could have hired Jo to take care of Trevor when he was at work.  She’d have willingly provided Trevor with the maternal influence Johnny now worried the boy would lack throughout his life. Chris, Jennifer, and John would have been like siblings to Trevor.  Roy…well Johnny had no doubt Roy would have been “Uncle Roy” to Trevor, in the same way Johnny’d always been Uncle Johnny to the DeSoto kids.

 

Johnny leaned his head back against the chair, closing his eyes.  Despite nine hours of sleep the previous night, he was exhausted, for even in sleep worries and doubts plagued him.

 

“Sure wish I could talk to you, Pally,” he murmured. “Sure wish I could ask your advice on how to raise a good boy like Chris, and like I’m sure John’s turned out to be.  On how to be the kind of dad a boy needs, and the kind of mother he needs too.  ‘Course, maybe you’d tell me to ask Jo about the mother thing, but that’d be okay.  I wouldn’t expect you to know it anyway, and she could probably give me lots of good tips.”

 

Johnny opened his eyes and looked down at his son.

 

“Man, Roy, how am I gonna work twenty-four shifts with this little guy?  I could look for another job, but what am I gonna do at my age?  And if I start over in a new field, no one will pay me what I’m making now.  God knows with Trevor to raise I need security. I can’t walk away from my pension now, or my health insurance benefits.  Even my life insurance benefits.  If something happens to me, then whoever I decide will raise Trevor – my dad and Marietta I suppose – will need the money from my life insurance.   But my dad’ll be seventy-two years old in September, and Marietta just turned seventy.  Should they really be the ones who raise Trevor if I die before he’s eighteen?  Is that fair to them at their ages?  Is it fair to Trevor? Is it…”

 

Johnny sighed, letting his sentence trail off.  In the past twenty-four hours he’d discovered the Achilles heel of any father. One worry begat another worry which begat another worry, and so on and so on and so on.  Nonetheless, just pretending he was hashing everything over with Roy helped a little bit.  Roy had always been the calm throughout all of Johnny’s storms. The man of sound reasoning and advice.  A friend Johnny trusted and valued in a way he’d not yet come to value another friend, not even Greg.  

 

Johnny wasn’t even aware a little more than an hour had passed when the same nurse carrying the same clipboard returned.

 

“Have you and Doctor Riley decided on a name, Mr. Gage?”

 

Johnny lifted his head from the back of his chair.  “Yeah, we have.”  He gazed at his son and without hesitation said, “His name’s Trevor Roy.”

 

When the nurse repeated the name to confirm it, and then spelled it out loud to make certain she was recording it correctly, the thought didn’t cross Johnny’s mind to change the child’s middle name from Roy to Charles.  Maybe he was being sentimental.  Or maybe he was being foolish for honoring a friendship that hadn’t existed for years and would never exist again.  Nonetheless, something felt right about this. As the nurse finished filling out the birth certificate, Johnny figured out what it was.  Giving the baby the middle name of Roy was the final way Johnny had of connecting to the family in California that once meant so much to him, and that he’d continue to think of with fond memories for the rest of his life. 

 

The woman had Johnny proofread the birth certificate.  When he nodded and told her everything was correct, she said, “It’ll be filed with the county tomorrow. If you’d like, we can order a copy for you that’ll be mailed to your home. It’ll save you a trip to the courthouse some day in the future.  Kids can’t do anything now days without showing a copy of their birth certificate.  Little League, starting kindergarten, going off to summer camp – nothing is simple any more.”

 

“No it’s not. Okay. Sure. Order one for us. Thanks.”

 

“I like the name the two of you chose. I don’t know if I’ve ever run across another Trevor.  It has a strong independent sound to it.”

 

“That’s what I thought too.”

 

“Good luck to you and your little Trevor.”

 

“Thanks. We’re gonna need it.”

 

The woman chuckled, thinking Johnny was making a joke, and not knowing the baby’s mother planned to walk out of their lives for good on the same day her child was released from the hospital.

 

Johnny stood after the woman left the room.  He walked with Trevor for a while, then when the baby woke up crying, changed his diaper and fed him.  He returned Trevor to the nursery when the feeding and burping were completed, telling the nurse there he was going home for the day. Greg was coming over as soon as he got off duty at eight the next morning to help Johnny put the crib together and move the rest of the baby furniture into what had been the guestroom.  Johnny wanted the room set up and ready for Trevor before the baby was released from the hospital.

 

“See you around ten tomorrow morning, Mr. Gage,” the nurse said, referring to check out time for Trevor and Ashton.

 

“Yeah, see ya’ then.”

 

“I bet you and Doctor Riley are anxious to get this little guy home.”

 

Johnny looked down at the baby he’d passed off to the nurse, wondering how long he’d have to keep up the charade that he and Ashton were a happy couple.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, we sure are.”

 

The paramedic walked out of the nursery’s anteroom.  If the nurse had been paying an attention, she’d have seen that he didn’t go tell the baby’s mother goodbye, but instead, headed for the elevators without having seen Ashton at all that day.

 

Chapter 62

 

In the year that followed Trevor’s birth, Johnny vowed he’d never again think a stay-at-home mom had a cushy job. And as far as working mothers went, he now had a new and greater appreciation for them as well; especially those who were single.  Even given his work schedule that generally allowed him forty-eight hours off for every twenty-four on, he went to bed exhausted each night, and woke up feeling like he needed three more hours of sleep each morning.  Laundry, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, running errands, and all the additional work an infant brought to a household left little time for anything else. Yet despite that, Johnny wouldn’t have traded his son for the carefree single life he had before meeting Ashton, even if someone possessed the power to offer him such an exchange. The mornings he didn’t have to be at work; when he brought Trevor into bed with him and laughed over the baby’s antics, or when they played peek-a-boo with the pillows, or hide-and-go-seek amongst the blankets, or lay nestled together sleeping an hour or two beyond their normal five-thirty a.m. “rise and shine” time, were more precious to Johnny than he could voice.  Those and a thousand other events that first twelve months made raising Trevor alone worth all the hardship the paramedic endured.

 

Ashton was nowhere to be found when Johnny picked up Trevor from the hospital two days after his birth. It was left to a nurse to tell Johnny, “Doctor Riley said you knew she’d be leaving before you arrived.  She asked me to give you this.”

 

Johnny could tell the nurse was confused and curious as to why the new mother had scampered off without her child.

 

Although Johnny hadn’t known Ashton would be gone before he arrived that morning, he didn’t say so to the nurse.  Without comment, he accepted the new suitcase Ashton evidently sent someone out to purchase for Trevor. 

 

“The baby’s extra clothes and blanket are in there.  Doctor Riley put your camera in there too. And she said she packed his gifts and the teddy bear you bought him.”

 

Johnny nodded. “Thanks.”  He wasn’t sure what gifts the woman was talking about, but assumed some of the ER and Cardiology staff members had brought Ashton gifts for Trevor. He sure hoped she’d left the cards attached so he’d know who to thank for what.

 

The woman carried Trevor to the elevator, while Johnny carried the suitcase.  He knew this arrangement must look odd to anyone who took notice. Normally the mother was wheeled out in a wheelchair holding her baby, rather than a father walking alone beside a nurse carrying his child.

 

For just that reason, Johnny bypassed the ER.  He’d come back another day and show Trevor to the staff members who hadn’t seen him yet.  At that moment he was in no mood to answer questions about Ashton’s whereabouts. Especially since he didn’t know her whereabouts.  He surmised the “friend” she’d mentioned she’d be staying with until moving to New York was Pauline Norwood, the only other woman in the cardiac fellowship program.  Pauline owned a townhouse a few blocks from the hospital, but Johnny had never been there and didn’t know its exact location.

 

On the other hand, for all he knew Ashton could be shacking up with Andrew Bishop, or some other guy for that matter.  Before those thoughts could darken what should be a joyous day, Johnny chased them from his mind.  He left the nurse standing on the sidewalk with Trevor while he jogged to the Land Rover. He put the suitcase in the cargo hold then drove the vehicle to the waiting nurse.  She made sure he had the car seat secured properly in the back seat, showed Johnny the easiest way to get Trevor into it, and showed him the correct way to secure the straps and safety bar.

 

It was, in many ways, a lonely homecoming.  Since Johnny had no family living nearby, there was no one present to celebrate Trevor’s first day at the condo.  Johnny hadn’t even told Greg that Ashton wasn’t coming home with him. While they’d set up the nursery furniture earlier that morning Johnny’d allowed his friend to believe everything was fine between himself and Ashton.  If Johnny had mentioned otherwise, Greg might have been here waiting with some of his kids to lend a hand, or he’d have called some of the other guys and they would have rallied to help in whatever way they could.  But Johnny didn’t really need anyone’s help.  What he needed on this homecoming day, and what Trevor needed even more – Ashton – neither one of them could have.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Johnny settled into a routine those first three weeks he and Trevor were home together, quickly learning the baby’s habits, his sleep schedule, eating schedule, and with a fair amount of accuracy even grew able to predict when a diaper change would be needed. Of course, sometimes Trevor fooled him and got his days and nights mixed up, and every so often he’d make Johnny walk the floor with him for hours in an effort to soothe him, just like Johnny’s dad had said he’d walked the floor with Johnny.  But overall, and with the help of a book Ashton had gotten at her shower entitled Baby Basics, Johnny was doing pretty well in the “Dad” department by the time he returned to work on June 4^th.

 

Johnny didn’t know what he’d have done without his family during the three weeks that bridged the time he returned to work, and when Trevor started day-care.   Once he’d finally confessed to his father over the phone that Ashton hadn’t returned to the condo with him, had no intention to in the future, and that he’d have full custody of the baby, Chad demanded Johnny allow them to help in any way they could.

 

“What can we do for you, John?”