Whenever Johnny looked back on his relationship with Ashton, he readily acknowledged their first three years together were amongst the best of his life. Although he didn’t realize it at the time, the night Ashton turned down his proposal at the Silver Rose marked the beginning of a long, painful drawn-out ending. For individual reasons, both Johnny and Ashton should have said, “Things have changed between us. It’s time to move on.” Had they called it quits shortly after the botched proposal, Johnny would have been spared a lot of heartache. Yet, whenever those thoughts surfaced Johnny reminded himself that if there hadn’t been three additional years to the relationship, Trevor wouldn’t have been born.
Johnny’s initial concerns about dating a doctor were unfounded. Their co-workers and extended social circle in Denver accepted Johnny and Ashton as a couple. Johnny wasn’t so naïve as to assume the relationship, while in its infancy, didn’t spark some gossip throughout Central Hospital, but not nearly the gossip it would have sparked had he dated a Rampart physician while living in L.A. He’d been new to Denver when he and Ashton met. Therefore, the gossip was limited by the fact that few hospital employees knew Johnny. By the time they did get to know him, he and Ashton were a couple in everyone’s minds, so it didn’t seem as odd that a paramedic and doctor were dating as it might have otherwise.
Johnny also concluded their age difference played a factor in people’s acceptance. He was going on forty when they met, meaning he was looked upon as mature, stable, and financially independent from the woman he was seeing. Certainly far more mature and stable than the people who had known him in L.A. for so long would have given him credit for. But the shooting had changed Johnny. Whatever impetuous, boyish nature remained in him when he accepted the position of Chief Paramedic Instructor in 1983, left him the night Chris was shot. He arrived in Denver a different man than he’d been in L.A. Quieter. More reflective. Cautious about opening himself up to people, and about how he handled each situation he encountered in the course of his work. Ashton was the person who helped him find the “old” Johnny Gage again – the impulsive guy who loved to laugh, tease, and have a good time – and who gave him the ability to blend that person with the new more mature John Gage.
Time would prove that acceptance of Johnny’s relationship with Ashton by friends and co-workers should have been the least of his concerns. In the end, the majority of adversity came from Ashton’s mother, and surprisingly to Johnny, from his grandfather.
Margaret Riley continued to keep her animosity carefully masked in Johnny’s presence. She was never less than a gracious hostess whenever he was a guest in her home, and she was never less than polite when she was a guest in his. But had Margaret been willing to speak the truth, Johnny knew she’d tell him that, in her opinion, he wasn’t the right man for her daughter.
Gray Wolf wasn’t nearly as concerned about being a gracious host as Margaret Riley was. As time went on, his dislike of Ashton was thinly veiled at best. He managed to keep his thoughts of the woman to himself, however, until the year after Trevor was born. It was then that he revealed to Johnny, “She wasn’t the woman for you, Katori. I knew it from the first day I met her. Money – that was all she cared about. How much she had, how much she could get her hands on, and what useless trinket it could buy her this week that she’d grow tried of by next week.”
Johnny didn’t completely agree with his grandfather. As the years passed, Ashton grew to become a well-respected cardiologist. She cared a lot about her patients and what she could do to improve their health. But yes, money made her world spin in the right direction too, and just like Margaret predicted to her daughter that September day in 1986, Johnny would never be able to provide Ashton with more than a middle income lifestyle, nor did he have the desire to after seeing the way Margaret and Ben lived.
One thing that was evident to Johnny as time went on; Ashton was uncomfortable around his family. The way his grandfather remained tied to his heritage and culture seemed to embarrass her, as did the way Reah was also tied to the culture she’d reconnected with in her role as nurse/mid-wife on the reservation. It hurt Johnny terribly several weeks after he’d proposed to Ashton when he overheard her on the phone with her best friend since childhood.
“I think I made John understand why now isn’t the time for us to get married. I know he was disappointed, but it’s not that I don’t want to marry him someday, Meredith. I love John. I really do. But you know how much work a wedding is…how much preparation it takes. Mother’ll want me in New York for every shower, every dress fitting, and every time she shops for another item for my trousseau. Then to pick out the invitations, and the food for the reception, and the flowers, and probably for two dozen other things I’m not thinking of right now. Not to mention the way John’s family will complicate things.”
“No no, it’s not like that at all. They won’t cause problems per se. They’re…nice. I don’t know them very well, but they seem easy to get along with. Though his grandfather gives me the creeps sometimes with the way he stares at me. Makes me feel like he wants my scalp, but overall, I can handle the old guy. John’s grandfather and sister are just a little too…ethnic for my taste. Mother would die if they walked into the country club dressed like they’re going to some kind of Indian war council.”
“No, I’m not kidding you. Honest. That’s how they look half the time. And if we do get married someday, how the hell do I say to John, ‘Please make sure your grandfather and sister show up wearing normal clothes.’? Oh well, I’m not going to worry about it right now, and come to think of it, watching Mother deal with them will be loads of fun.”
Ashton laughed then, never realizing Johnny was quietly leaving the room. She’d been sitting on the bed with her back to him, and must have thought he was still over at Greg’s helping the man hang new gutters on his house.
Whenever Johnny thought of that phone conversation, he wondered why he didn’t end his relationship with Ashton right then. Why he didn’t see they were so different that a marriage between them would never last for long. But no matter how much Ashton hurt him, and she did so frequently the last three years they spent together, his love for her remained strong almost until the bitter end. Maybe he was afraid to move on without her. Or maybe he thought she was his last chance at marriage and children. Or maybe he was just so damn sick of starting over that no matter how doomed the relationship was, he clung to Ashton because he felt too old and worn out to begin his life anew once again. He’d done so after Kim and Jessie died. He’d done so again after Chris was shot. Because of those past tragedies, on nights when Johnny laid awake wondering if he and Ashton really had a future together, he’d eventually decide, yes, they did, because being with her was better than being alone.
Or so it seemed, until he’d proposed to her two more times in two years, and was continuously turned down because she was “too busy” to plan a wedding. Not that Johnny wouldn’t acknowledge Ashton was “too busy.” She put ninety to one hundred hours a week into all of the responsibilities that comprised her fellowship program. That left almost no time for Johnny and Ashton to pursue the activities they’d enjoyed as a couple early in their relationship – horseback riding, hiking, biking, and kayaking amongst other things. Ashton’s drive for her career changed what they had together, what they’d meant to one another. And the more hours she put in, the more exhausted and stressed she became, until she almost seemed to resent Johnny’s presence in the condo when she did manage to get away from the hospital.
Money became a bigger issue between them as well. More and more Johnny was seeing a side to Ashton that hadn’t been revealed earlier – or maybe he’d chosen to ignore it. As the end of her fellowship grew closer, she began to talk frequently of relocating to New York City. Her other goals included traveling to Europe and Asia on “working vacations” where she’d teach the latest cardiovascular techniques at hospitals and universities, in-between visits to art museums, ancient ruins, and skiing in the Swiss Alps.
“But we’ve built a life for ourselves here,” Johnny would say whenever Ashton voiced her plans for the future. “I thought maybe we’d buy a little place out in the country and…”
“A place in the country?”
“Yeah, you know. Small ranch. Ranchette. Whatever you wanna call it. Just big enough so we could have a few horses and a place to ride them. A safe place for kids to run around and play without us having to worry about them.”
“I’m not cut out to live in the country, John.”
“But you like riding horses and hiking.”
“Yes, for one afternoon on occasion, but not for every day of my life. Besides, you love New York.”
“Yeah, for one afternoon on occasion, but not for every day of my life.”
Ashton didn’t realize how seriously Johnny meant his biting words.
“Oh, come on. What’s not to love about New York? You can get a job with the fire department there. Or you can stay home if you want to. I’ll be earning more than enough money for both of us to live on by then.”
“And what am I supposed to do all day if I don’t work?”
“Um…I don’t know. Whatever it is you like to do.”
“I like to ride horses, and hike, and fish, and--”
“So you’ll do those things.”
Johnny
raised a skeptical eyebrow. “In New
York City?”
“Sure.”
“Ashton…”
“Well, okay, we’ll get a weekend place out of the city. A lot of people do that. You can stay there whenever you want to, for as long as you want to.”
“And just what kinda marriage are we gonna have if I do that? The kind your parents have?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means your father puts in eighty hours a week at his job, while your mother does her own thing. Including staying at their place in the country for weeks without him.”
“So? What’s your point? They’re perfectly happy, aren’t they?”
Johnny snorted and walked away from the woman in disgust. If she was so blind that she couldn’t see her parents weren’t “perfectly happy,” or at least didn’t have much of a marriage, then far be it from him to point that out to her. It wouldn’t benefit him to anyway. Ashton would never see her parents, their marriage, and their lifestyle, as less than flawless, and he’d never see their marriage and lifestyle as less than anything but full of flaws, just as Grandma Kate did.
These same arguments were replayed numerous times during the years of Ashton’s fellowship, making it apparent that Johnny and the woman didn’t have the same goals for the future. Hell, all he wanted was to get married, have a couple of kids, provide his wife and children with a nice little place in the country, and keep working for the Denver Fire Department. He’d love it if Ashton would agree to stay home and raise the children, but he’d given up on that idea, to instead just settle for her being willing to give birth to them. If she wanted to continue her career as a full time cardiologist after the kids were born, then he wouldn’t complain. He might not like it, but he wouldn’t voice that. His schedule meant he was home three to four days a week for twenty-four hour time periods. Maybe they could work something out so Ashton could be there on a couple of the days he wasn’t, and then they’d only have to make use of a babysitter one or two days. Johnny thought his plan through so often that he had it memorized, but the trouble was, Ashton continued to be unreceptive to the idea of children, and didn’t seem particularly interested in getting married either. Actually, she seemed less interested in the idea of marriage as the years passed, rather than more interested as she’d promised Johnny she would be.
By the time Kate Riley died, Johnny wondered why he and Ashton were even living together yet. Things had gone from bad to worse between them during 1991. He often thought they were more of an old habit for one another than anything else. From things Ashton said, he finally began to see the writing on the wall. After she finished her fellowship in the summer of ‘92, she’d be returning to New York. She no longer mentioned Johnny moving with her, and when he pointed that out to her one day she shrugged an indifferent shoulder and said, “I just assumed you wouldn’t want to come.”
“So does that mean it’ll be over between us then?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“No, you didn’t. But I don’t see how we can have a marriage if I’m here in Denver, and you’re in New York.”
She wouldn’t answer him, which caused Johnny to conclude there would be no marriage. Why he just didn’t ask her to move out then, he never knew. Given their unorthodox work schedules, they rarely saw one another any more, which meant Johnny often felt like he was living alone again as it was.
Because their once active sex life had dwindled to almost nothing during 1991 too, Johnny knew the exact evening Trevor was conceived. They’d just returned from Grandma Kate’s funeral. Up until then, Ashton hadn’t expressed much remorse over the old woman’s passing. She’d slept on the plane to New York, and then was kept busy with family obligations during the three days they were at her parents’ house. But once they arrived back at the condo and were unpacking their suitcases, Ashton sank to the bed and started crying.
Johnny sat down next to her, wrapping his arms around her when she snuggled into his chest. Because of Ashton’s sobs, he couldn’t understand half of what she was saying. He caught the gist of it though, and listened as she recalled all the times she’d spent with the feisty, lovable grandmother who always spoke her mind.
“I always…I always had a good time when I was with her. She made everything we did seem like a big adventure.”
Johnny kissed her hair while running a comforting hand up and down her back.
“I know,” he said softly. “I know.”
“She drove my mother crazy, but God, I loved her.” Ashton laughed a little between her tears. “That’s probably half the reason why I loved Grandma Kate as much as I did. Because she could always get the best of Mother.”
Johnny chuckled. “I think that’s why everyone loved Grandma Kate.”
Ashton looked up at him between lashes. “Even you?”
“Especially me.”
That made the woman laugh harder for some reason, and before Johnny knew it they were acting silly and playful in a way they hadn’t in almost a year now. They fell sideways to the mattress, removing clothing as they rolled and tousled amongst the covers.
They made love twice, then woke up a few hours later and made love again before showering and going to a nearby restaurant for a late supper.
That August night was the last good time they had together. Soon, they were both back at work, and Ashton was gone from the condo more than she was there. Working at the hospital. Taking her meals there. Studying there. Even sleeping there several times a week.
Johnny often wondered if she would have ever told him she was expecting if he hadn’t found the pregnancy test box amongst the garbage one morning in early November. He thought it was odd when he arrived home from work to see two black bags sitting in the garage with the twist ties already secured. Ashton wasn’t the type of woman who got the garbage ready for pickup. But on that day it was ready, along with a handwritten note taped to one bag that read:
John,
I had a few extra minutes this morning so I got the garbage ready for you. Have a nice day off. See you when I can.
Ashton
Johnny should have been more suspicious of the motive behind Ashton’s actions, but he’d just come off a busy shift and was more grateful for this chore being done than he was curious as to why Ashton did it to begin with. He grabbed her note off of the bag, crinkled it up, and shoved it in a pocket of his denim coat. He hoisted the two bags from the garage floor and hurried toward the curb. He could see the garbage truck down the street, headed his way.
As Johnny rushed down the driveway, one of the bags broke open.
“Dammit!”
Leave it
to Ashton to overload a garbage bag. Didn’t
her parents ever make her do even the simplest chore when she was a kid?
Johnny found a little humor in that as he got the one intact bag to the curb just as the garbage truck stopped next to it. Of course Ashton hadn’t been made to do simple chores. Johnny knew very well by now that she’d never had to do any chores.
The paramedic was brought out of his thoughts by a voice asking, “Want us to wait while you clean that up?”
Johnny looked from the garbage man to the mess in the driveway, and then back to the garbage man again.
“Nah, go ahead. I don’t wanna hold you guys up.”
“Whatever you say.”
The man jumped on the back of the truck. The driver headed off for the next stop, while Johnny went to the garage. He grabbed two garbage bags and twist ties from the box in the cabinet, then took the broom and dustpan from their pegs on the wall. If he hurried, he could get the mess bagged up, thrown into the back of the Rover, and catch up with the garbage men before they left the neighborhood.
Johnny swept the empty boxes, cans, and jars that had spilled from the broken bag into a neat pile. He used the broom to push what would fit onto the dustpan, then dumped all of it into a new bag. He repeated the action five times before sealing that bag and opening the second one. He starting sweeping up the remaining trash, stopping abruptly when he spotted the lettering on an unfamiliar box.
The paramedic crouched down. Now it made sense why Ashton had done a chore she’d never done in all of the years they’d lived together. It had nothing to do with her having a few extra minutes that morning, and everything to do with her not wanting Johnny to know she’d taken an at-home pregnancy test.
Johnny left the garbage in the middle of the driveway and ran for the Land Rover. He raced to Central Hospital, all the while cautioning himself not to get his hopes up. Ashton might not be pregnant. She might have missed her period due to stress and the long hours she was working, and not because she was carrying his baby. Still, Johnny couldn’t keep the silly grin off of his face as he fought the urge to ignore the speed limit.
The Land Rover squealed into a parking space. Johnny barely took the time to grab the keys out of the ignition before he was running for the hospital’s entrance. He rushed up and down the corridors looking for Ashton, not caring how big of a fool he made of himself. He didn’t know how many nurses and doctors he stopped and asked, “Have you seen Ashton?” or “Do you know where Doctor Riley’s at?” before someone finally directed him to the teaching wing of the vast hospital.
The paramedic found Ashton in Room 101, just like he’d been told he would. She stood in front of a class full of interns, giving a lecture. She briefly made eye contact with Johnny, then tried to ignore him, but he wouldn’t stand for that. He held his arms over his head, crisscrossing them back and forth in the form of a wave in an effort to regain her attention. He would have jumped up and down like a five year old too, if she hadn’t finally said to her class, “Excuse me. I’ll be back in just a minute.”
Ashton grabbed Johnny’s arm and propelled him into the empty hallway. She shut the door behind her.
“John, what’s going on? Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a class?”
Johnny grasped her upper arms and squeezed lightly, all the while grinning from ear to ear. “Are you?”
“Am I what?”
“Pregnant? Are you pregnant?”
The woman paled. “No…no, of course not. What would make you ask something like that?”
“I found the pregnancy test in the garbage.”
“Why the hell were you going through the garbage?”
“I wasn’t going through it! You put too much in the damn bag and it broke open.” Johnny squeezed her arms. “Ashton, I’m gonna ask you again. Are you pregnant?”
“What
difference would it make if I am?”
“It makes a helluva lotta difference if it’s mine.”
“Of course it’s yours! How dare you imply….I mean, if I was pregnant, of course it would be yours, but I’m not.”
“Ashton, don’t you fucking lie to me. Don’t you dare lie to me about this.”
Ashton’s eyes flicked up and down the corridor to make certain it was still empty, but Johnny didn’t give a shit who overheard him.
“Now I’m gonna ask you one last time and I want the truth. Are you pregnant?”
“I…it doesn’t matter if I am.”
“Why?”
The woman wriggled out of Johnny’s grasp. She shoved her hands in the pockets of her white lab coat and turned her back on him.
“Why? Why doesn’t it matter?”
“Because…” Ashton took a deep breath, then turned around and faced Johnny. “Because I’ve already made an appointment to have an abortion.”
“No! Ashton, no! You can’t.”
“It’s my body, so yes, I can.”
“But it’s my child. Ashton, please. Please no.”
Johnny would have gotten down on his knees right then and there and begged her if he had to. What made her willing to reconsider he never knew. Maybe it was the fact that she had to figure out a way to make him leave so she could get back to her class. Maybe she was afraid someone would come along and overhear their conversation. Or maybe she took pity on him when she saw the tears in his eyes and heard how his voice cracked when he pleaded again, “No, Ashton. Please, no. Don’t do it. Please.”
“I…I’ll think about it. That’s all I can promise right now. I’ll think about it and we’ll…we’ll discuss it when I get home.”
“When’s
that gonna be?”
“Tonight sometime. I don’t know when, but tonight.”
“Promise? Promise me you’ll come home so we can talk about this?”
“Yes, John. I…I promise.”
Johnny knew it was a weak promise at best, but he had no choice other than to take her at her word.
“Just please…please, Ashton, don’t do anything until we’ve talked about this.”
She closed her eyes in defeat. “I won’t.”
Johnny bent forward and brushed his lips across her forehead. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you.”
He watched her collect hers emotions, then walk back into her classroom as though nothing had happened. As though she hadn’t just told the man she’d lived with for five years that she was carrying his child and planned to abort it. The man she knew would marry her the minute she said “yes” to his proposal. The man she knew would love her until “death do us part.” And above all else, the man she knew wanted to raise a child with her as much as any man possibly could.
Johnny leaned back against the wall, willing his legs to stop trembling. A moment that should have made him the happiest man on earth instead left him drained and despondent. He had to trust Ashton not to do anything drastic before they were able to talk, only he didn’t trust her. At least not where this decision was concerned.
When Johnny’s legs
finally steadied, he swiped all evidence of tears from his eyes and headed for
the nearest exit. Between now and when
Ashton arrived home, he had to come up with every argument possible to convince
her to spare the life of their child.
Johnny trudged to the Land Rover with his head bent and hands shoved deep into the pockets of his blue jeans. He wished he had somewhere to turn – someone to talk to about this before he faced Ashton. It was then a thought the paramedic hadn’t had in several years now ran through his mind.
I wish
Roy was here. God how I wish I could
talk to Roy about this and get his advice.
Johnny hadn’t felt so alone and hopeless since first arriving in Denver. It was odd that the man who’d caused him to leave Los Angeles, was the same man he longed to seek advice from now. Whether that proved Johnny’s ties to the friendship were still strong, or whether that proved he was just a damn fool, the paramedic didn’t know and he didn’t care. All he did know was when you had a problem that seemed too big to handle Roy DeSoto was a pretty good guy to talk to about it.
Because Roy wasn’t there to talk to, Johnny returned to the condo that morning. He paced the floor for hours. When he was finally too exhausted to take another step, he sank to the couch, buried his head in his hands, and waited for Ashton to come home.
“Hey, Roy.”
I looked up as Carl’s bulk straddled the stool beside me. A week had passed since the Friday evening Johnny told me the reasons why his relationship with Ashton deteriorated, and then how he discovered she was pregnant with Trevor.
“Hey yourself.”
I glanced through the front window of the Northern Lights Café. The white Dodge Durango with the words Eagle Harbor Police Department printed boldly on both sides was parked next to Johnny’s Land Rover.
“Out on patrol?”
“Not really.”
Carl’s attention shifted from me. He smiled at the approaching waitress, who greeted him with small town familiarity while refilling my coffee cup.
“I’ll have a cup a’ that, Marcie, along with one a’ those chocolate doughnuts if they’re still fresh.”
Marcie put one hand on her hip and winked. “ ‘Bout as fresh as you are.”
“Then they’re still fresh.”
“Twenty-four hours a day, big guy.”
“The doughnuts?” Carl waggled his eyebrows. “Or me?”
The woman winked again. “I think we both know the answer
to that.”
Neither one of
them elaborated as Marcie went to the glass display case and retrieved Carl’s
doughnut, leaving me uncertain if this was nothing more than innocent flirting
that dated back to kindergarten, or if there was something more to their
relationship than that. If there was
something more, I never detected signs of it that morning. Marcie moved off to wait on other customers,
while Carl and I sat side by side at the far end of the counter sipping coffee
and eating our doughnuts.
“How’s your uncle?”
“Havin’ a rough time of it, but Mom’s takin’ good care of
him. He’ll be all right.” Carl took a big bite of his doughnut, chewed
and swallowed. “By the way, thanks for
offering to stick around. Mom woulda’ ended up right back in bed if she’d tried
to take care of Uncle Renee´ and run John’s household at the same time.”
“That’s what I was afraid of.”
“John’s at physical therapy?”
I’d just brought the rim of my coffee cup to my lips, so
I nodded and gave Carl an “Uh huh,” around the liquid traveling down my throat.
“I’ve been lookin’ for you. Just came from the house.”
I rested my cup back on the saucer. Usually I hang around in town killing time
while Johnny’s in a session, unless it’s one that lasts all day. Then I go back to his place.”
“All day?”
“Dana’s got him doing two eight hour sessions a week.”
“So that’s good, right?
I mean that he’s got the stamina to do that.”
“Yeah, it’s good. And good that he goes now without
putting up a fuss.”
“He’s still doing his exercises at home, too?”
“Yep.”
“And he’s getting better at ‘em? Getting stronger? Walking better?”
I could feel my forehead furrow as I shot Carl a puzzled
look. I couldn’t figure out why he was
asking questions he already knew the answers to. He stopped by Johnny’s a couple of times a week - had even eaten
with us on Sunday evening – so he was well informed about Johnny’s progress.
“Yeah,” I acknowledged. “He’s getting better.”
“And his speech is better. He’s getting easier to
understand, don’t ya’ think?”
Carl sounded like he needed reassurance for some reason,
more than he really needed me to answer his questions.
“Yeah, I think he’s getting a lot easier to understand.
He still has challenges in a several areas, but he’s working hard to overcome them.”
“So how soon do you think he’ll be back to running our
fire department?”
There was an urgency to Carl’s question I didn’t know the
source of. Therefore, I was cautious
about the answer I gave him. I didn’t
want Carl to think he heard me say something I hadn’t. To think he heard me
promise Johnny would return to work as Eagle Harbor’s fire chief, when I wasn’t
willing to make a promise like that.
“I don’t know the answer to that, Carl. Johnny and his doctor are the only two
people who can make that decision.”
“But his doctor thinks he’s doing better, right? You told me that on Sunday. You said you’d taken John for a doctor’s
appointment on Friday. You said Doctor Webber was happy with his progress.”
“Yeah, I did. But that doesn’t automatically mean
Johnny’ll be able to return to work.”
“But that’s what he wants, doesn’t he?”
“I think he wants it more than he wants anything right
now, but wanting it and being physically able to do what his job requires are
two different things. ”
Carl gave a slow, thoughtful nod as he took a swallow of
coffee. When he’d returned his cup to
its saucer, he said, “It’s been a little more than two months since he
collapsed. Since the aneurysm burst.”
I nodded. I’d
arrived five weeks after that event, and had now been at Johnny’s for a month.
“If he’s out more than twelve weeks, he can be replaced.”
“What?”
Carl paused while Marcie refilled our coffee cups. After she walked away, he looked around the
café, making certain we wouldn’t be overheard. It was a little after ten.
The breakfast crowd was gone, and the lunch crowd hadn’t started pouring
in yet. Other than a group of old men nursing cups of coffee and shooting the
bull around a big table in the center of the room, the place was empty. Nonetheless, Carl still lowered his voice
and hunkered close to my right shoulder.
“The Family Medical Leave Act. It says something about a person being entitled to as much as
twelve weeks off, but after that they can be replaced.”
“Yeah, it does,” I agreed, trying to recall all the ins
and outs of the act that the fire department had given us literature on when it
first went into place. “But it doesn’t say the person has to be replaced
after twelve weeks. An employer has
that option, but they also have the option to leave the job open pending the
employee’s return.”
“I know.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“A guy by the name of Tim Ellison.”
I tried to recall where I’d heard the name before. Just as I questioned, “Tim Ellison?” I
remembered Phil Marceau mentioning the man’s name in Carl’s office a few weeks
earlier.
“Chairman of the Police and Fire Commission.
“Why’s he a problem?”
“ ‘Cause he’s the guy who’s pushing to have John
replaced.”
“What’s he got against Johnny?”
“Nothing. Or so he says.”
“But you don’t believe him.”
Carl shrugged. “I
don’t have reason not to believe him, let’s put it that way.”
“Then what’s his gripe?”
“His gripe – or maybe better put my gripe – is
that Ellison’s a by-the-book pain-in-the-ass newcomer who doesn’t understand
Eagle Harbor isn’t some ritzy Chicago suburb.”
“That’s where he’s from?”
“Yeah. Some place
called Lake Forest. Toney. Or so I’ve heard, and judging by the highfalutin
airs he puts on, I’d say it’s true.”
“So he wants to take Johnny’s job away from him, is that
it?”
“If John isn’t back to work in three more weeks, yeah,
that’s it.”
“Carl, there’s no way he’ll be back to work in three
weeks.”
“Do you think he’ll be back at all?”
I thought about that question a long time before I
answered him.
“Without making any promises, I believe it’s a strong
possibility. He wants to be back at
that fire station. He doesn’t say much about it, but I know he does. And this Ellison guy needs to realize
Johnny’s working his butt off to make that happen. He wasn’t at first. You
and I both know that. But he’s really
had a big change of heart these past few weeks.”
“Ever since you got here.”
“Johnny’s determination has nothing to do with me.”
“I think it has a lot to do with you.”
“How so?”
“I honestly don’t know.
But I do know that John apparently needed a friend – specifically you –
to get him motivated. To make him see
everything he could lose if he didn’t at least try to do all he could for
himself.”
“I might have opened his eyes to some of that, but
Johnny’s the one who’s put in all the effort, not me.”
“I think you’ve put in a helluva lot of effort on his
behalf so don’t sell yourself short, ‘cause I know John sure won’t.”
“Johnny’s put in a lot of effort on my behalf more than a
few times over the thirty-five years we’ve known one another, so I’ll just say
we’re even as far as I’m concerned and leave it at that.”
“You can leave it however you want to. None of it’s gonna make much difference if
Ellison gets his way. Not how hard John is working. Not how far he’s come, or how far he’ll go. Not how much the people of this town respect
him, or how much his employees wanna see him back in that fire station every
day.”
“Can’t the rest of you on the commission put a stop to
this? Slow it down a bit?”
“We’re tryin’, but Ellison’s talking about getting a
lawyer.”
“A lawyer? What for?”
“To see that things are carried out legal and proper. Or
some such bullshit. He doesn’t
understand how things are done here, Roy.
This is Eagle Harbor, not some big city where we put a lotta stock in
rules and regulations. As far as I’m
concerned, there’s no rush for John to return.
If it takes six more months, then it takes six more months. Phil agrees with me. He’ll stand-in as chief until John can come
back.”
“Then can’t you and Phil convince Ellison to give Johnny
some more time?”
“We’ve tried, but we aren’t havin’ much luck.”
We fell into a heavy silence then. I was mulling over what this news was going
to do to Johnny, how it might be the kind of blow that would cause him to
regress in a way he’d never fully recover from. I don’t know what Carl’s thoughts were, but I saw him wave Marcie
off as she approached us again with the coffee pot.
“I don’t know what to do, Roy. That’s why I wanted to talk to you this morning. You know more about John’s mental state
right now than I do. How’ll he handle
this?”
I sighed. “I have
no idea. I’m…I’m afraid it might set
him back though. Make him stop working
so hard. Three weeks…” I shook my head. “Three weeks just isn’t gonna be long
enough, Carl, and Johnny’ll be just as aware of that fact as I am.”
“What do you think I should do? Do I tell him now, or just let it go a while longer?”
“You don’t have a while longer. If Ellison is threatening
to seek legal counsel if Johnny isn’t back to work in three weeks, then it’s
not fair to Johnny to be left in the dark.
He has to be informed.”
“As much as I don’t look forward to bein’ the one to tell
him what’s going on, I can’t disagree with you there.” Carl glanced at his watch. “I need to get back to the station. You guys gonna be around John’s place
tomorrow?”
“We should be.
I’ve gotta have Trevor at Gus’s by ten, but other than that we don’t
have any plans that go beyond physical therapy exercises and a few hands of
cards.”
“What time is Trev done at Gus’s?”
“About five.”
“Good. Then I’ll come over sometime while he’s gone.
There’s no use in Trevor overhearing us talk and gettin’ all upset about it.”
“No, there isn’t.
He doesn’t need to know what’s going on until something’s finalized.”
Just by watching the slow way Carl stood from the stool,
I could tell how many sleepless nights he’d suffered because of this recent
situation.
“Hey, Carl, does this Ellison guy volunteer for the fire
department in any capacity?”
“No. Asshole’s a
frickin’ dentist in Juneau. Wouldn’t
know which end of a hose was which if the damn thing clunked him over the top
of the head.”
“How’d he end up on the commission then?”
“Seemed like a nice guy with a good head on his
shoulders, that’s how. Just goes to
show you nice guys aren’t always what they’re cracked up to be.”
“No. Not always.”
He smacked my shoulder.
“Thanks, Roy.”
“For what?”
“Listening. Giving me your thoughts. The whole shebang.”
“You want me to be there tomorrow when you talk to
Johnny?”
“Do you mind?”
“No, I don’t mind.
But I don’t mind getting lost either if you think what happens from here
on out is none of my business.”
“You’re John’s friend. It’s your business right up until the point he tells you it’s
not.”
“All right.”
“Besides, I think he’s gonna need you there after I
leave.”
I had a feeling Carl was right about that. I’d be lying if I said I was looking forward
to what was about to unfold. Johnny
didn’t deserve to be hit with any more hard knocks, especially not when he’d
made so much progress toward returning to the job he loved.
“I’ll
be there,” I promised. “Somehow or the other, he’ll get through this,
Carl. He’s not a quitter. He’s stubborn, he likes to do things his own
way and in his own time, and he lets his pride get in the way of accepting a
helping hand now and then, but he’s not a quitter.”
“I
know he’s not.”
“Maybe
you could tell Ellison that, huh?”
“Believe
me, Roy, I have. About three dozen times in the last two weeks.”
Carl
threw a wad of bills on the counter. “That’s enough to cover what we ate and a
tip. You should be able to get a couple more cups of coffee out of it too.”
“Thanks,
but that’s not necessary. I can pay for my own.”
“I
know, but it’s my way of saying thanks.”
“For
what?”
“I
can walk outta that house tomorrow after I talk to John. You’re the guy who has to stay behind and
deal with whatever happens after I leave.”
Carl smiled while giving my shoulder another light smack. “That’s gotta be worth at least a few cups
of coffee and a doughnut, don’t ya’ think?”
Before
I could answer Carl, he was headed for the door. The old men at the center table called greetings to him that he
returned, but he didn’t stop and talk to them.
The Durango’s big engine came to life with a roar. Carl backed the
vehicle out of its parking space and drove toward the police and fire station. The place Johnny was working so hard to
return to. The place that had brought
Johnny to Eagle Harbor thirteen years earlier with a moving van full of
furniture, and a one-year-old boy in the car seat beside him. The place Johnny was so proud of, that
housed the people he loved working with and the job he loved doing.
The
place he might not be able to go back to if a newcomer by the name of Greg
Ellison had his way.
Johnny looked to his right.
“You knee…knew?”
By Roy’s subdued nod, Johnny could tell the man was
reluctant to confess he’d been told of the news Carl brought prior to Johnny
himself being told of it.
“Um, yeah.
Yesterday. Carl saw me in the Northern Lights Café and…uh…mentioned what
was going on.”
“John, don’t get mad at Roy. I wasn’t sure how to tell you
– when the best time and place would be. Or if I should tell you at all right now. I used Roy as a sounding board, so if you’re
pissed about that be pissed at me, not him.”
“Not pissed.”
“You’re not?”
The fire chief shook his head. A month ago, Johnny would have thrown a fit had he found out Carl
sought Roy’s opinion first about something that involved him. But a lot had
changed in four weeks, including Johnny’s understanding that his two closest
friends weren’t trying to treat him like a child, but instead, were doing all they
could to help him through a difficult time in the best way they knew how. He
might not always like their methods, but he appreciated their efforts. Roy had put his life on hold for Johnny and
was away from home for longer than he’d probably expected to be. Johnny reminded himself of that fact
whenever Roy pushed him to work just a little harder than he felt he could, or
like today, had been consulted about something that concerned Johnny before
Johnny was consulted.
The fire chief’s gaze shifted from Roy back to Carl, who
was sitting across the table from him.
They were in Johnny’s kitchen; the remnants of the Italian beef
sandwiches and French fries Carl brought from Ochlout’s Pizza Parlor were on
plates Roy had carried to the counter. The room was laced yet with the tangy
smell of spiced beef and hot peppers, and the three men were still sipping
sodas as they talked. Given the
discussion, beer would have been preferred, but since Johnny was currently
taking medication that prohibited the use of alcohol, Coca-Cola was the
strongest drink in the house.
“Wha’…what I…what do I nee-need to do to keep my job?”
Johnny saw that the men were surprised by his
matter-of-fact question. Evidently they
were expecting him to pound a fist on the table, yell at the top of his lungs,
stomp from the room and refuse to discuss the issue further – all of the things
he probably would have done at the beginning of this journey. But he was too
far into that journey now to waste time having a temper tantrum that wouldn’t
change the situation.
Carl glanced at Roy, then looked at Johnny again.
“Do
you really wanna know?”
“Yes.”
“Even if you don’t like what you’re gonna hear?”
“Yes. Tell me.”
“You’ve got three weeks to prove to Ellison that you’re
gonna be fit to return to work.”
“Won’…won’t be ready three…in three weeks.”
“I know that.
But, John, you gotta show Ellison that you still care about the job.”
“I do care.”
“Then prove it.”
“How?”
“You haven’t been at the fire station since the day you collapsed. You haven’t been seen in town since the day
you collapsed, other than at the clinic for physical therapy. You haven’t been seen at any of Trevor’s
games or practices since you collapsed.
People are…well they’re…well…”
Johnny demanded that Carl finish his sentence.
“Peel…people are what?”
“They’re saying that maybe your health is so bad that you
can’t do all the things you used to. They’re saying that maybe you’re
permanently disabled. They’re saying
that maybe this was such a big blow for you that you don’t care about being
Eagle Harbor’s Fire Chief any longer.”
“Who saying that?”
“Just people. You
know how gossip flies around this town.”
“Peel…people who wor-work for me?”
Carl was reluctant to answer, but finally confessed, “Some
of them, yeah.” The big man leaned forward, resting his weight on his forearms.
“John, you gotta let them see you in that station again. You need to be a presence there again.”
“Docor…my doc-doctor hasn’t re-re-released me for
wok…work.”
“Since when has that stopped you? Besides, I’m not saying you have to be there
to work. You just need to stop
in a few times a week, say hi, let Phil catch you up on what’s goin’ on, stuff
like that.”
“Not that easy.”
“Why?”
“It’s jus-just not.”
“Look, I know you don’t want people to see you again
until you’re exactly like you used to be.
Until you can walk and talk exactly like you used to. But, buddy, you’re gonna have to check your
pride at the door and get back out there and let the people of Eagle Harbor
know that her fire chief is bound and determined to return to his job. You need
to get your skinny ass to Trevor’s games.
You need to go with Roy when he takes Trev to and from school. You need to go with Roy when he does the
grocery shopping. You need to be seen
in the restaurants, the post office, the bank, the hardware store, at church –
all the places people used to see you.
You need to let people see you taking care of your personal business,
running your own household, and taking care of your son, instead of letting Roy
do all those things for you.”
“I take care of my son!”
“Then prove it, Gage!
Prove it to Ellison, and above all else, prove to that asshole that
you’re still this town’s fire chief.
Prove to him that you still want to be this town’s fire chief.”
“You know do…I do.”
“Doesn’t matter what I know. Phil and I are doin’ the best we can to convince Ellison to hold
off on making any decisions about replacing you for at least another six weeks,
but now he’s got some of the other commission members thinking that you’re not
capable of recovering enough to do your job.
He’s getting hung up on the fact that this house is part of your
salary. He wants you and Trevor out of
here if you’re not earning that salary.
He’s trying to get enough support to call for a vote on that.”
When Johnny didn’t say anything, Carl continued.
“John, I think it’s a bunch of bullshit. You know I do. You’ve given more to this
fire department and town than any fire chief who came before you. Even the ones born and raised here. You’ve lived for this fire department. You breathed new life into her, and made her
what she is today – the best damn fire department with the best damn paramedic
program in the state of Alaska.
Everyone knows that. Everyone
thinks of John Gage when they hear the words Eagle Harbor Fire Department. I
don’t for one minute think Ellison has the right to kick you outta this house
just because you can’t return to work on his time schedule. I don’t think
anyone has that right. This town owes
you more than you could ever possibly owe it, but right now Ellison is looking
at the bottom line. All he cares about is facts and figures. Not people.”
“I tol…told you so.”
Johnny caught the fleeting look of chagrin on Carl’s
face.
“I know you did.
That was your one concern when we made him chairman. It was a mistake on my part, speaking up for
him like I did. I could kick myself for it now, but it’s too late for
that. Until his term is up next year
we’re stuck with him.”
Silence fell over the room. Johnny realized then that Roy hadn’t said anything throughout
this conversation. Maybe he didn’t have
anything to contribute. Or maybe he
felt this latest roadblock Johnny faced was none of his business. Or maybe, as Johnny strongly surmised was
the case, Roy was waiting for an invitation from him before offering his
opinion.
The fire chief gave his old friend that invitation by
looking at him and saying nothing more than, “Roy?”
Roy splayed his hands while giving a small shrug.
“I
don’t know what to add, Johnny, aside from what Carl’s already said. You need to make your presence known. You need to return to the leadership role
you’ve always held in this town, even if currently that role is more in the
figurative sense than it is literal. People will understand that right now your
health doesn’t allow you to do some of things you used to. But I agree with
Carl. You’ve got to be seen in public again.
That’s the best way to stop whatever rumors are going around about your
abilities to return to your job.
Nothing’s nearly as bad in the light of day as people can make it out to
be when all they have to go on is rumors and assumptions.”
Johnny
thought a long moment. He gave a slow
nod, then fell into a pensive silence that lasted until Carl left fifteen
minutes later. Johnny didn’t say
anything more than, “Than’--thanks for
lunch,” as he walked the police chief to the door.
Carl
hesitated before stepping off of the deck.
When Johnny wasn’t forthcoming with all that was on his mind regarding
their discussion, Carl finally said, “See ya’ later, John,” then turned and
trotted down the steps.
Johnny watched Carl climb in his heavy-duty
Ford pickup. He allowed the damp March
air to wash over him until the truck was started and traveling down the
driveway. When Carl was out of sight,
Johnny shut the door. He walked back into the kitchen, where he helped Roy
clean up the dishes without saying a word.
When the room was in proper order again the fire chief returned to the
laundry room, opened the closet, and grabbed his heavy denim coat. He put it
on, then sat on the bench and shoved first his left foot into a boot, and then
his right foot. He looked up to see Roy
watching him.
“Wan--wanna
go for hike?”
It
was easy to read the surprise on Roy’s face. Whatever reaction he’d been
expecting from Johnny now that Carl was gone, calm acceptance apparently wasn’t
it.
“Uh…sure. Yeah.
I’d like that.”
Johnny
waited while Roy got his coat and boots on.
When the man was ready, Johnny led the way out the door. He whistled for the dogs. Nicolai and Tasha shot out from under the deck where they’d been
napping. They bounded ahead of Johnny
and Roy. Snow and mud flew from the
dogs’ heels as they tore around the barn. Without being told, they knew their
master was headed for the National Forest.
Wet
snow sloshed up from our boots as we walked, splattering the legs of my blue
jeans. It was mid-March and the weather
was changing. The snowstorms of
February had given way to rain on many days. Johnny told me this was normal for
Eagle Harbor, and would last well into May.
Admittedly, I was beginning to long for sunshine and temperatures no
lower than seventy degrees. Snow, harsh
winds, rain, heavy cloud cover, fog, and dreary gray skies were all I’d seen
since arriving in Alaska. At least it
was beginning to warm up as the spring thaw set in. Or what passed for a spring thaw in Eagle Harbor. Most days the
temperatures hit forty to forty-five degrees now. The snow wouldn’t be around
for long if those temperatures lasted, but it was still present in the form of
wet thick slush that Saturday we hiked together into the National Forest.
Johnny
had gone on several hikes as his left leg strengthened and improved, but he’d
never invited me to come with him. I
had reservations about letting him hike alone, and even voiced them a time or
two. He was always stubbornly insistent
he’d be fine, and he’d always been proven right when he returned to the house
an hour or so after he’d left, none the worse for wear and appearing more
content than he’d been when he’d departed.
What answers he found when he traveled alone in those woods I didn’t
know, but I’d come to respect that he needed an activity he could still do
without someone “babysitting” for him.
Those solitary hikes he enjoyed were why I was surprised he invited me
to accompany him after Carl left. If
there was ever a time I would have assumed he wanted to be alone, that was it.
I allowed him to set the pace, walking silently beside him. He hiked in and out of trees on a well-worn path. As we began to travel upwards, I followed Johnny’s lead by grabbing onto low hanging tree branches to aid in pulling myself up the steeper parts of the path. When the ground leveled again, we returned to walking side by side. The dogs kept up a steady pace far enough ahead of us that I couldn’t see them, but remained close enough that I could hear them whenever they barked at something that caught their interest. On occasion they’d run back to Johnny’s side as though checking in with him, then ran off after receiving pats to their heads. The exertion soon had me removing my hat and unzipping my coat. Johnny was better prepared for the way the exertion would raise his body temperature. He hadn’t worn a hat, and