Chapter 53

 

            “Is--it’s so easy see now.”

 

As we hiked back down the trail, I asked,  “What’s so easy to see now?”                    

 

“Ashton and me.  Never would worked...have worked.  Don’-don’t know why  fough…I fought so hard.”

 

“Because you loved her. And because hindsight’s twenty-twenty as the expression goes.  It’s always easy to see things more clearly after time has passed and we’re not smack dab in the middle of the situation any longer.”

 

            Johnny glanced at me, but didn’t say anything.  I had no doubt he knew I was referring to him and Ashton, as well as referring to myself and how I’d treated him after Chris was shot. None of us is immune to having the clearer perspective the passage of time brings, least of all me.

 

            “Besides, in the end you were fighting for Trevor. It’s not wrong that you wanted him to grow up in a home with both his mother and father.”

 

            “Guess not.  Worked…is worked out okay for Trev though.  He seems like noral-normal kid, right?”

 

            I laughed. “As normal as any kid can be that belongs to you.”

 

            He shot me a smirk, but I saw the twinkle in his eyes.

 

            “Seriously, Johnny, yeah, he’s fine. A great kid.  He seems well adjusted to his lifestyle.”

 

            “Sometime I ‘rry…wo-worry that he needs his mother more than juz’ couple weeks year…a year, but Clarice good-she’s good mother to him too.”

 

            “Yeah, she is. And I don’t think you need to worry that he doesn’t see Ashton enough.  Like I said, he’s always seemed well adjusted and happy with the life you’ve provided for him. Joanne thinks so too.”

 

            He seemed more at ease after hearing Joanne’s thoughts.  Maybe knowing the thoughts of a woman whose opinion he valued helped settle the issue of Trevor’s maternal needs in Johnny’s mind.

 

The light was fading to murky gray by the time we reached Johnny’s place.  The days were growing a little longer, but still, by four-thirty it was dark.  I helped Johnny do chores, then watched as he secured the barn for the evening.  We left the horses, dogs, and cats to their food and rest as we entered the garage.

 

I glanced at my watch.

 

“I’d better go pick up Trevor.”

 

I expected Johnny to say he’d go in the house to get supper started and the table set. That was the habit we’d fallen into each time I left to pick Trevor up from school, or Gus’s, or whatever activity he was participating in.

 

I waited for a response, uncertain as to what was wrong when all Johnny did was stand there and chew on his lower lip as if he was in the middle of making some big decision.  I tried to help him out.

 

“Hamburgers will be okay, doncha’ think?”

 

            My voice brought him out of his thoughts.

 

“Uh?”

 

            “Hamburgers.  You can cook hamburgers if you were wondering what to make for supper.”

 

            “Oh…yeah.  Okay.  ‘Hen--when we…uh…when we get back.”

 

            “Back from where?”

 

            “Gus’s.”

 

            “You’re comin’ with me?”

 

            He gave a small nod.  I could see the reluctance in his eyes, but I silently gave him credit for taking the bull by the horns and doing what Carl said he had to – be seen in public again.  Although it was doubtful anyone but Gus would see Johnny when we picked up Trevor, I figured that was a good thing.  I could tell Johnny wasn’t ready to jump into Eagle Harbor’s public arena with both feet.  He needed to test the waters one small step at a time.  There was nothing wrong with that as far as I was concerned.  I was just proud that he was willing to do this much.

 

            Johnny climbed into the Rover’s passenger side.  I got behind the wheel, started the vehicle, and backed it out of the garage. Once we’d cleared the building, Johnny reached over and pressed the remote door opener sitting on the dashboard. The garage door slowly lowered as we headed down the driveway.

 

            Johnny was quiet throughout the ride.  I made a few casual comments like, “I’ve noticed it’s starting to stay light outside longer than it was when I first got here,” and “I wonder how Clarice’s brother is doing,” but got no more than mumbled responses I could barely hear over the sound of the Rover’s heater.

 

            I fell silent then.  I wanted to assure Johnny that he didn’t need to be embarrassed should Gus approach the vehicle to talk to him.  I wanted to remind him that his speech was a lot clearer than it had been just a few weeks earlier, and that Gus had been a good friend of his for a long time who wouldn’t spread gossip around Eagle Harbor if Johnny mispronounced a word, or left a word or two out of his sentence. 

 

            I flipped on the turn signal and swung the Land Rover into the wide parking lot, stopping it beneath a bright overhead light.  I glanced at Johnny as I put the vehicle in park, voicing what I knew was on his mind.

 

            “It’ll be okay, you know. Gus is a good guy.”

 

            I didn’t have to elaborate.  Johnny nodded.  Still, I saw his right hand tighten on the door handle.  An indication to me of just how nervous this seemingly small outing was making him.

 

            Johnny didn’t have time to dwell on his unease.  As soon as Trevor came out of the hangar and spotted his father in the passenger seat, he raced toward the vehicle with a big wave and even bigger grin.

 

            “Papa! Papa!”

 

            I hoped it was sinking in with Johnny how important his presence in the Land Rover was to Trevor.  Finally, after two long months, it was Trevor’s father who was picking him up.  Yes, I was the one driving, but that mattered little to the teenager who just wanted to see his life and his father’s life return to what had been normal for them prior to Johnny’s collapse.  

 

            Gus must have heard Trevor’s shout, because he poked his head out of the hangar.  He wiped his hands on a rag as he walked toward the Rover.  By the time he arrived, Trevor had tumbled into the backseat and was chattering with such excited animation that I could barely understand what he was saying.   He quieted down as Gus approached the front passenger side.  Unless Johnny wanted to be rude, he had no choice but to do what he did — press the button that lowered the window so Gus could talk to him.

 

            Gus stuck his right hand into the vehicle.

 

            “John!  Great to see you out and about.  It’s been a long winter, my friend.”

 

            Johnny shook the man’s hand.  “Yeah.  Has been.”

 

            “You’re lookin’ good there, Chief.”

 

            “Thanks.”

 

            “Trevor tells me you’re feeling a lot better.”

 

            “Yeah.”

 

            Johnny kept his answers as short as possible to ensure he didn’t stumble over a word.  I couldn’t hold that against him.  I was just glad to see him doing his best to converse with Gus. I wasn’t worried that his sentences didn’t extend beyond two or three words.

 

            “So when’ll you be back in that fire station where you belong?”

 

            Johnny’s eyes slid to me briefly before focusing on Gus again.

 

            “Uh…soon.”

 

            “Glad to hear it.  Bet you are too, huh?”

 

            “Yeah.  Yeah, am…I am.”

 

            “Well, I’d better get the office locked up and head on home.  Evelyn’ll want me to get cleaned up and take her out to eat since it’s Saturday night.  It was real good seein’ ya’, John.”  Gus patted Johnny’s shoulder. “Real good seein’ ya’.”  

 

            “Good see…to see you too.”

 

            Gus gave me a wave and a, “Hi, Roy.”  Before I could answer him, he was telling Trevor that he’d see him next Saturday.

 

            After Gus walked away from the vehicle, I put it in reverse.  I backed out of the parking space, put the gearshift in drive and headed for the road.   Trevor leaned over the front seat, resting his arms in the space between Johnny and me.

 

            “I’m glad you came with Uncle Roy tonight, Pops.”

 

            Johnny didn’t respond to what his son said. Instead, he used his left thumb to indicate that Trevor should sit where he belonged, then ordered, “Seatbelt.”

 

            Trevor did as Johnny instructed while asking, “What’s for supper?”

 

            “Hambu--hamburgers.”

 

            “If we’re just gonna have hamburgers, let’s eat somewhere in town.”

 

            “Nah-not tonigh’, Trev.”

 

            “Oh come on, Papa.  We haven’t been out to eat in forever.  Not since…”

 

            Trevor let his sentence die as an uncomfortable silence filled the Land Rover.  Had Trev been older, he probably would have understood that this trip to the airport, Johnny’s first real outing since he’d fallen ill, took a lot of emotional stamina on Johnny’s part.  I felt this was a good way for Johnny to begin making his presence in Eagle Harbor known again, and I also understood what Trevor didn’t. That Johnny might need to take this in small stages, rather than in one giant leap.

 

            A thirteen year old is a firm believer in giant leaps though.  Especially where the man he views as invincible is concerned. 

 

            “Come on, Pops.  Please.  We can just go to the diner if you want.   Or the café.  Just someplace where we can get cheeseburgers, fries, and chocolate shakes.”

 

            I was sure Johnny would tell Trevor no again.  Knowing how persistent Trev could be, I wondered if I’d have to get his attention in the rearview mirror in order to send some kind of signal to let the subject drop.  I didn’t have to do that, however, because Johnny didn’t say no.  His answer was slow in coming, but when he finally spoke he said, “Not the diner or café.  Somepace-someplace where Unle-Uncle Roy and I can have something ‘sides-besides cheeburgers.”

 

            Trevor grinned.  “You got yourself a deal.”

 

            I took my eyes off the road long enough to look at Johnny.

 

            “You want me to head into town then?”

 

            He hesitated again, as though he was thinking about changing his mind, but finally nodded.

 

            “Yeah.  Go to Yuri’s Res’aurant.”

 

            I nodded, semi-familiar with the place. I’d passed by it numerous times on my way to and from Trevor’s school.  A sign outside the brick building advertised it as “Family Dining” which I took to mean no alcohol was served, and that the menu offered a variety of reasonably priced foods.

 

            We made the transition from desolate roads lined with Sitka pine trees to Eagle Harbor’s main street.  I drove through the heart of town, turned right, traveled one block, and then turned left into the restaurant’s parking lot.  I swung the Land Rover into the first available space.

 

            Trevor was out of the vehicle before either Johnny or I even got our doors open. I wasn’t sure if that was a sign of how hungry he was, or how excited he was to be in town with his father present.

 

            Johnny lagged behind me in exiting the Rover.  He paused in the act of closing the passenger door and stared at the building.  I caught the look of apprehension on his face.  I paused, waiting to see if he wanted to leave.  I wasn’t going to argue with him if he did, and was prepared to signal Trevor to be quiet and keep his protests to himself if his father couldn’t enter the restaurant.

 

            Maybe it was Trevor’s, “Come on, Pops.  I’m starving!” that made Johnny keep any reservations he had about this outing to himself.  Or maybe it was the fact that Trevor was already halfway to the door, his enthusiasm for both the upcoming meal and a Saturday evening away from the house barely containable.  I easily guessed that Johnny didn’t want to disappoint his son if something as insignificant as eating at a restaurant he’d undoubtedly eaten at dozens of times before made him so happy.  And I also suspected that Johnny knew to put a halt to this now meant he’d have to deal with an angry, sullen teenager for the rest of the night.

 

            I held one of the double glass entrance doors open for Johnny.  He hesitated just a brief second, then stepped inside with me following.  The restaurant wasn’t too crowded.  As we hung our coats up on a rack by the doors, I scanned the room.  A middle aged couple sat at a table, four men in their mid-twenties were at another table, two elderly couples were in a corner booth, and three other booths were filled with what I took to be the typical Eagle Harbor family – Mom, Dad, and anywhere from two to four kids.

 

            I suspected Johnny knew Yuri’s was generally quiet on Saturday evenings.  For fine dining in Eagle Harbor, people would choose the Seaside Inn or Covington’s Steakhouse. The teenagers going out for the evening probably found the Northern Lights Café or Donna’s Diner more to their liking, and for families headed to dinner and a movie, they probably went to Juneau. The selection of restaurants was larger, as was the selection of movies. Eagle Harbor has just one theater with one screen that plays the same movie for three months in a row.  Or so Trevor claims.

 

            We might have gotten to a booth without anyone noticing us if it hadn’t been for the robust man with a thick black handlebar moustache standing behind the cash register. When he spotted Johnny, he grinned and charged across the room.           

 

            “John!  John, is so good to see you!”

 

            Given how common the name John is, I assumed Eagle Harbor has several dozen of them.  That night, however, everyone in the restaurant seemed to know which “John” Yuri was greeting, because they all turned to look.

 

            Johnny had just enough time to introduce me to the man with the heavy Russian accent who was embracing him in a bear hug, before people spilled out of the booths and away from their tables.  Like that first day I’d taken Johnny to the clinic, he was treated like a war hero who’d been gone from his hometown for years.  He shook hands, made small talk with various people, and accepted more hugs, this time from an old man who told me Johnny’d saved his life the previous year when he was having a heart attack, and then from the young men who’d been seated at the table.  I found out later one of them was a full-time firefighter for Eagle Harbor, and the other three were members of Johnny’s volunteer force. They patted his back, gave him hugs, shook his hand, called him “Chief,” and probably would have carried him to a table on their shoulders if he’d have let them.

 

            It took a few minutes for everyone to return to their meals, but finally, out of respect for the fact that Johnny was out for the evening with his son and a friend, they dispersed.  I hoped Johnny would take stock of how well he’d gotten through this first journey into Eagle Harbor’s “public” life.  He’d barely stumbled over any words, and though he’d been careful to chose those words carefully so he could speak in complete, understandable sentences, I thought he’d done well.  Far better than I’d expected him to, though I didn’t tell him that.

 

            Yuri waited on us himself, which I quickly figured out wasn’t the norm since waitresses took care of the other customers.  Trevor ordered that cheeseburger and milkshake he’d been wanting, while I ordered broiled white fish and Johnny ordered baked chicken.  The food was good, though we dealt with frequent interruptions.  When people got up to leave they made a point of stopping by our booth to say goodbye, and to tell Johnny they were happy to see him up and around again.  When one of the volunteer firefighters asked, “When you comin’ back, Chief?” Johnny gave him the same answer he’d given Gus.

 

            “Soon.”

 

            Halfway through our dinner I’d seen Johnny’s eyes flick to the door and linger there. I’d glanced over my left shoulder, but didn’t see anyone I recognized.  A thin, middle-aged man with a receding hairline entered, followed by a woman and three children – a girl who looked to be seven or eight, a tow headed boy I guessed to be six, with a toddler, also a boy, carrying a stuffed dog clutched to his chest and bringing up the rear. They walked to the other side of the restaurant without looking our way.

 

            I turned to face Johnny again, but he didn’t offer any explanation as to why the man had caught his attention, or why he was tracking the guy’s progress across the restaurant.  Trevor didn’t appear to have noticed his father’s interest in the man.  His concentration alternated between the food in front of him, and the blond girl seated a few booths away from us that I recognized as a cheerleader I’d seen at Trevor’s basketball games. I’d heard Trev say, “Hi, Kylee,” when she came forward with her family to greet Johnny, and I’d caught the shy smile he’d given her. Since there was rarely anything shy about Trevor, it was easy for me to conclude he had a crush on her. 

 

            Johnny was quiet throughout the rest of the meal.  I wasn’t sure if he was upset about something or just enjoying the food, which was a welcome change from both my cooking and his.  Johnny’s eyes kept traveling to the man now seated with his family at a table next to the back wall of the restaurant.  I wondered if he was someone Johnny was trying to place.  It made sense that he’d grow quiet if he were berating his memory for failing him, something it didn’t do nearly as often lately as it had when I first arrived.  As Jennifer said to me over the phone one night after I’d told her how much Johnny’s memory had improved thanks in part to the games she’d sent with me, “As the expression goes, Dad, if you don’t use it you lose it.  Uncle Johnny needed someone there to force him to make his memory work again.  Sounds like you’re going a good job of it.”

 

            I thought both Johnny and I were doing a good job of it.  Because of that, I wanted to tell him it wasn’t important if he couldn’t remember the man’s name, or couldn’t figure out how he knew him.  Small setbacks like these were normal.  If we hadn’t learned anything else during the past month, we’d learned that.  But we’d also learned that Johnny eventually overcame these setbacks.  I almost reminded him of that fact, but since I wasn’t certain what was wrong, or why the man was holding his interest, I decided it was best not to say anything unless Johnny revealed what was on his mind.

 

              We finished eating and ordered dessert.  When Yuri brought the apple cobbler and ice cream all three of us had requested, he told Johnny the meal was on the house.  Johnny protested that, but Yuri clamped a thick hand on his shoulder.

 

“No no.  Is a celebration tonight for you.  Because you are among us again after a bad time.  I want do for you.”

 

            “Yuri, no.  I don’-don’t want you to do that.”

 

            “And why not?  Who make house calls on my mother to check her…what you call it – vital signs? —  during her last weeks when she no longer strong enough to visit doctor, and want to die at home and not in hospital?”

 

            “I wanted do-to do that.  I didn’t ‘pect-expect anything return-in return.”

 

            “I know.  And you did not expect anything in return either, when you came to my house in middle of night that time Olga and I were in Anchorage, and Michael call you because he sure Stefan was dying from appendix attack.”

 

            Johnny chuckled at the memory as Yuri looked at me and explained.

 

“My sons.  First time my wife and I leave them alone, and what do they do but wake our fire chief up in middle of night. Stefan had bad stomachache and was throwing up.  Michael panic and call John.  Before Olga and I leave I tell him if you have emergency you call fire department.  So what does boy do?  He decides to go right to the top. Fire department is not good enough for him.  Oh no.  He wants only fire chief.  So he call John at home at two in morning in middle of a January snowstorm.  Trevor just little boy then.  John has to get him out of bed, wrap him in quilt, and bring him along.  And for what?  A fifteen-year-old who ate too much pizza from that back stabbing sneak Ochlout.  Can you believe it?  My own sons buying pizza from that crook.  They deserve stomachaches, I tell Olga.  They deserved to be sick as dogs for a week as far as their papa was concerned.”

 

Yuri looked at Johnny as he finished. “So see?  This is but a small reason why you, and your son, and your friend from the great state of California, deserve a meal on Yuri tonight.”

 

Johnny gave in at that point, probably knowing we’d be subjected to more reasons why Yuri felt the need to thank him with a free meal if he didn’t quit protesting and just accept the offer graciously.

 

All three of us thanked the man.  He moved off to talk to other patrons then, leaving us to eat our dessert.  Ten minutes later we were finished and stood to leave.  Trevor lingered behind us a moment, making eyes with Kylee one last time before hurrying to join his father and me by the coat rack.  Or maybe I should say join me by the coat rack, because just as we reached it, Johnny kept walking toward the back of the restaurant with a purposeful stride to his step.   He approached the table where the man with the receding hairline was sitting with his family.  The guy looked up, surprise crossing his bland features that was quickly replaced with an expression of amiable friendliness.  He started to stand.

 

“Chief.  Good to see--”

 

“You’re not taking my job from me.”

 

“What?”

 

Johnny jabbed a finger toward the man’s chest.  “You heard me.  You’re not taking my job from me, Ellison.”

 

Now I knew why the man had captured Johnny’s interest.  From the clear way he was able to verbalize his thoughts, I also knew why Johnny had been so quiet.  He must have been sitting there while we were eating, silently practicing over and over again what he was going to say so he wouldn’t stumble over the words.

 

“Chief, come on.  I’m not--”

 

“You are too.”

 

The man’s smile never left him.  The more I observed Tim Ellison, the more I could see why Johnny didn’t like him. There was something phony about him. Something fake and insincere.  He was exactly the kind of guy John Gage would see right through and have little tolerance for.

 

“John, whether you believe me or not is neither here nor there. Now isn’t the time or place for a discussion like this, don’t you agree?”

 

Johnny scowled at the patronizing tone.  Trevor tugged on the sleeve of my coat, whispering, “Uncle Roy, what’s going--”

 

I held up a hand to silence the boy so I could hear the rest of the exchange.

 

“Then name time--the time and place.”

 

“I…well I’m not prepared to do that at this moment.”

 

“Get prepared, and get read--ready for a fight, because that’s what you’ll get if you try take--and take my job from me.”

 

Johnny pivoted on his right heel, marching for the door.  He ignored Ellison’s call of, “Chief Gage, wait!  John!” and kept right on walking.  He passed Trevor and me without looking in our direction.  His jaw was clenched; his hands balled into fists.  He smacked the door open with one palm. 

 

I had the uneasy feeling that every eye in the restaurant was looking in our direction.  I grabbed Johnny’s coat off the rack, said, “Come on,” to the wide-eyed Trevor, put an arm around his shoulders, and ushered him out.

 

Chapter 54

 

Johnny was behind the wheel of the Land Rover when we got there.  Trevor paused outside the vehicle.  He looked at me, looked through the glass at his father, then looked to me for guidance once again.

 

Quietly I said, “Get in the back and let me handle this.”

 

“But he’s not supposed to be driving.  His doctor hasn’t--”

 

Without taking my eyes off of Johnny, I handed Trevor his father’s coat and instructed, “Get in the back, son.”

 

Trevor hesitated before finally doing as I said.  The incident with the tractor was all too vivid in his mind at that moment.

 

I walked around to the driver’s side.  I waited until Johnny finally opened the door far enough that he could hear me. 

 

            “Wanna switch places?”

 

            “No.”

 

            “Johnny--”

 

            “I’m driving, Roy.”

 

            “John--”

 

            “It’s my truck.  I’m driving.” He held a hand out for the keys.  “Don’--don’t worry.  It not-it’s not like last time.  I’m okay.”

 

            “You sure?”

 

            “I’m sure.”

 

            I wasn’t concerned about his ability to drive the vehicle.  He’d progressed enough since I’d arrived that as long as I was sitting beside him and he wasn’t trying to maneuver though L.A. during rush hour, it didn’t worry me to turn the keys over to him.  What did worry me was allowing him to drive for the first time when he was so angry.  Like Trevor, I also vividly remembered the incident with the tractor.

 

            When I didn’t immediately give him the keys, Johnny said, “Roy,” and thrust his hand forward.  I studied him.  Without any words being exchanged between us, I got a firm nod of confirmation that he was okay and in control of himself.

 

            I handed him the keys, walked in front of the Rover, and climbed in on the passenger side.  Trevor’s eyes flicked between his father and me.  I gave him a smile and a wink that I hoped conveyed my trust in Johnny’s ability to get us home safely.

 

            Trevor sat stiffly in his seat, his eyes on his father’s back once again.  Johnny looked over his shoulder to make sure the path behind us was clear before backing out of the parking space.  He said to his son, “Put you-your seatbelt on, Trev.”

 

            Trevor did as he was told, but it wasn’t until we were halfway to the house that he finally sat back against the seat and relaxed. 

 

            Nothing was said about the exchange with Ellison as Johnny drove us home.  Nothing had to be said for me to know Johnny’s insistence on driving was the only way he currently had to prove to himself that he was an independent adult who could still do his job. 

 

If Tim Ellison was willing to base Johnny’s abilities to be Eagle Harbor’s Fire Chief on how well he handled getting Trevor and me home safely that night, then Johnny would have been back at the station the following day.  We arrived at the house without incident.  No missed turns. Plenty of time allowed to brake for all stop signs. No traffic violations of any kind. I didn’t see any indications that his short term memory or reflexes were going to impair his driving, though I wasn’t prepared to make a statement in that regard to Johnny’s doctor just yet.  I wanted to see him behind the wheel several more times, and in heavier traffic, before making a final judgment.  I had a feeling I was going to get that chance when he pulled the Rover in the garage and didn’t hand me the keys after shutting it off.  Instead, the keys went into the right front pocket of his blue jeans.

 

The tension didn’t leave Trevor’s face until we were all climbing out of the vehicle.  Johnny teased him a little then, ruffling his hair and saying, “See.  Your ol’ man’s still go-got what it takes.”

 

Trevor gave Johnny a smile, but I could still see the worry in his eyes.  Johnny saw it too.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asked his son as we walked to the house.

 

“What did you mean when you told Mr. Ellison he wasn’t taking your job from you?”

 

Johnny put an arm around Trevor’s shoulders, but didn’t immediately respond.

 

“Papa?”

 

“We’ll talk in house…the house, Trev.”

 

We entered the laundry room.  After shoes had been removed and coats hung up, Johnny led the way into the kitchen.  He indicated for Trevor to take a seat at the table, then sat down next to him. 

 

“I’ll go upstairs and call Joanne while you two talk.”

 

“You don’ have to.”

 

“I know, but maybe you’d rather talk to Trevor alone.”

 

“Why?”  The boy’s eyes darted from Johnny to me to Johnny again. “What’s wrong? What’s going on?”

 

“You stay--can stay if want to, Roy.”  Johnny turned his attention to Trevor. “It’s okay, Trev. It’ll be okay.”

 

“What’ll be okay?”

 

I took a seat at the table across from Johnny since he didn’t mind if I remained.  I wasn’t sure if I could be of any assistance, but if nothing else, I’d dealt with upset teenagers often enough in my life to know that just the moral support from another adult was sometimes a big help to a father in situations like these.

 

Johnny didn’t hold any information back as he told Trevor of the news Carl brought that afternoon.  I’m not sure if Johnny would have revealed any of it to Trevor at that time had his temper not got the best of him when he spotted Ellison, but since it had, he evidently realized his only choice was to be honest with Trev about what they were facing.

 

“The guy’s a jerk!” Trevor declared when Johnny finished. “A total jerk!”

 

“Trevor, don’-don’t say that.”

 

“But you think so. You must, or you wouldn’t have yelled at him in the restaurant like you did.”

 

“I didn’t yell.”

 

“You did too.”

 

Johnny looked at me. I nodded.  “You did.”

 

He shot me a “Thanks a lot,” expression, then looked at Trevor again.

 

“I was mad, Trev.  I mean-meant what I said.  I’ll fight for my job if I have to.  Ellison need-needed know that.”

 

“If he wants to take your job from you that means he’s a jerk.  You’re the best fire chief this town has ever had.  The best paramedic chief in the entire state.  Everyone says so.”

 

“Maybe do…they do.  But Ellison is righ’ when he says I need to be at work.”

 

“You will go back to work!  Look how much better you are than you were a month ago. You’ll go back, Papa.  I know you will.”

 

“Time, Trev. All takes time.  Time Ellison is in his rights not give…to give me.”

 

“But can’t your doctor tell him that you’ll be back if you just have a couple more months to get better?”

 

“He can, but the Family Med—Med’cal Leave Act only gives me twelve week--weeks.”

 

“Then whatever that is, it’s stupid.  It should give you as much time as you need.”

 

“I wish did--it did, but that’s not the way it works, son.”

 

Trevor’s voice softened a little, and I could see the fear in his eyes. 

 

“What…what will happen to us if you don’t get to keep your job?  We won’t be able to live in this house anymore, will we?”

 

“No.  We won’t.”

 

“Will we have to leave Eagle Harbor?”

 

“No, we won’t leaf--leave Eagle Harbor.  It’s home to both us-of us.”

 

“But where’ll we live?”

 

“I’ll find a house buy…to buy or rent.”

 

“What about the horses?”

 

“We prob’ly have to sell them.”

 

“Nic and Tasha?  Will we have to sell them too?”

 

Johnny shook his head. “No.  We won’--won’t sell Nic and Tash.”

 

“The cats? What about the cats?”

 

“We’ll fine-find them good homes.”

 

“Can I keep Sassy?”

 

Of the eight cats out in the barn, Sassy was a calico they’d had since Trevor was three or four, and his favorite. 

 

“Yes. You keep Sassy.”

 

“Does that mean she’d get to be a house cat if we have to move and don’t have a barn any more?

 

“Guess so.”

 

“She’d like that.”

 

Johnny smiled in a way that told me he wasn’t crazy about the idea of two large dogs and one furry cat living in the house, but he’d put up with the menagerie for Trevor’s sake.  “I’m sure would--she would.”

 

I knew this wasn’t nearly as much about the horses, dogs, and cats as Trevor wanted Johnny to believe, but rather, it was about security.  It was about knowing that, even if his life had to change, the important things would remain the same.  His home would still be in Eagle Harbor.  He’d still have some of his animals, and the others would be given or sold to people who would take good care of them. And most important, his father would still be his father in every sense of the word, even if he were no longer Eagle Harbor’s fire chief.

 

“We’ll be okay, Trev,” Johnny assured his son. “No matter what happens, we be…we’ll be all right.”

 

“Like paying the bills and stuff too?  Even if you’re not working?”

 

“I’ll get my pension and dis’bility pay.  Might have live…to live on a tighter budget, but we’ll be fine.”

 

“I could work more hours for Gus if you need me to.  I could quit hockey and basketball so I could make more money.”

 

Johnny smiled again while reaching out to rub a hand up and down his son’s back. 

 

“You don’ have quit anything.  Even if I’m not working, I can still ‘vide-provide for us.”

 

Trevor relaxed a little then, secure in the knowledge that financially they’d be fine.  I had no reason to doubt Johnny’s words in that regard either.  He’d always been frugal, which led me to suspect he had a good deal of money packed away. Given that his job as Eagle Harbor’s fire chief provided him with a home to live in free of charge, he’d undoubtedly been able to save a good portion of each paycheck.  Although some of that money was probably earmarked for Trevor’s college education, at least Johnny would have it to live on if it was needed. Trevor was a smart, industrious kid. Scholarships and part-time jobs would put him through college if it came to that.

 

Trevor asked Johnny a few more questions before finally being satisfied that his father would fight as hard as he could to keep his job, but as well, understanding that if Johnny lost the fight, they’d somehow get through it and come out okay.

 

Trevor sat with us a couple of more minutes, then drifted into the great room.  He stood in front of the home entertainment center, searching for a movie from the vast collection Johnny had stored there. 

 

I wasn’t sure Johnny had done the right thing by confronting Ellison, but now that his discussion with Trevor was over he didn’t seem to want to talk about it further, or maybe he didn’t care what I thought.  Either way, I felt it was a good time for me to leave father and son alone for the evening.  Instinct told me Trevor needed to be with Johnny, even if that meant they just sat together watching a movie. 

 

I stood. 

 

“Think I’ll head upstairs.  I need to call Jo.”

 

“Come back down when done…when you’re done and watch a movie with us. Trev’ll want popcorn in an hour or so.”

 

I chuckled and patted my full stomach. “The last thing I need tonight is more food.  Thanks anyway, but I’m ready to call it a night.  Might read a while after I talk to Jo, but with the way I’m feeling right now, I won’t be awake much longer.”

 

Johnny didn’t question my choice.  We walked together to the great room. I said goodnight to Trevor, then headed up the stairs.  When I reached the top and turned to head down the hallway, I glanced below.  Because of the open stairway, I had a clear view of half the great room.  Johnny and Trevor were seated together on the couch, Trev with the back of his head resting on Johnny’s left shoulder, and Johnny with his left arm around Trevor.  I easily guessed it had been a couple of years since the boy who was now a teenager had sat like that with his father. 

 

Sometimes, no matter how old we get, we need to know the one person who means the most to us will always be there, making the world right when everything about it seems to be going wrong.  Right then, I thought the best thing for Trevor was to draw that feeling from his father.  Just like I thought the best thing for Johnny was to give that feeling to his son. At that moment, I doubted either one of them realized how much their lives were returning to normal, despite the uncertainties they were still facing.

 

When I talked to my wife a few minutes later, I told her for the first time since I’d arrived in Eagle Harbor that no matter what the future held for our old friend John Gage, I knew without a doubt he’d be okay. 

 

“He’s gonna be fine, Jo,” I said with a smile in my voice. “He’s still got some rough roads to travel, but he’ll be all right.”

 

            After the call ended, I put my cell phone on the nightstand and picked up my book.  Laughter drifted up from the great room that I identified as both Trevor’s and Johnny’s.  I smiled again, and for a change, that night I didn’t dream about the day I attacked my best friend in a hospital corridor while shouting at him to get the hell out of my life.

 

Chapter 55

 

If the people of Eagle Harbor had been wondering where their fire chief was and when he’d be seen around town again, they didn’t have to wonder any longer. 

 

It was a lot harder on Johnny to become a fixture in public places again than he made it look. But that night we’d gone to Yuri’s Restaurant appeared to mark when he grew determined to do all he could to keep his job, and no matter what the outcome, determined to start living again.

 

On Monday morning, Johnny drove Trevor to school with me beside him in the passenger seat. After Trev was dropped off we went to the grocery store, where Johnny did the shopping for the first time since January.  When the groceries had been stored in the cargo hold, Johnny climbed behind the wheel again and drove us to the fire station.  To say he was greeted like a king who’d been exiled to a foreign country for several decades still wouldn’t accurately describe the mood that prevailed throughout that station when he walked in the door.  Even grouchy Happie Alipak couldn’t keep from smiling and giving him a hug, though within seconds she was grumbling at him about how hard she was working and for so little pay. He gave her a hard time right back, but couldn’t keep the grin off his face while he was doing it.  He spent an hour there, and probably would have spent several more if I hadn’t finally reminded him quietly, “Johnny, you’ve got a P.T. session in twenty minutes.”

 

I could tell he didn’t want to leave.  He was the happiest I’d seen him since I’d arrived.  He’d come alive the moment he walked into that station.  All concerns he had about his speech, or the slight limp that still cropped up from time to time, seemed to vanish.  I had a feeling that when he thought about it later, he’d have a multitude of regrets over not having gone to the station sooner.  He’d wonder what he’d been so afraid of. And he’d wonder why he’d been so reluctant to be seen by these people who thought so much of him, and who didn’t care one bit if he stumbled over a word now and then, or had to take a few seconds to collect his thoughts before speaking. 

 

 While Johnny made the rounds visiting with fire and police personnel, Carl took me aside in the dayroom.

 

“I heard what happened at Yuri’s on Saturday night.”

 

I smiled. “I suppose half of Eagle Harbor’s heard about it.”

 

Carl raised an eyebrow. “Half?  Come on, Roy, you don’t give the people of this town enough credit.  Everyone’s heard about it by now except maybe old Gil Nelson, and that’s only because he’s cooped up in his house this winter battling a bad case of gout.  In another half hour or so, Pierre Charbonneau will make his way over to Gil’s with the morning paper and a box of doughnuts.  It’ll be right about then that the entire town’ll know John confronted Ellison at Yuri’s.”

 

“What do you think?” I asked. “About what Johnny did, I mean.  Good move or bad move?”

 

“I don’t know.  I give him credit for letting Ellison know where he stands, but I’m not sure doing that in public was such a wise move. It kinda puts Ellison on the spot, ya’ know?  Makes him look like the bad guy.”

 

“Yeah, it does. I don’t believe that was Johnny’s intention, but I think he should have made an appointment to see Ellison privately and discuss it with him a bit more…calmly and tactfully than he did.”

 

“Did you tell him that?”

 

I shook my head. “He hasn’t said anything about it to me since it happened, so I assume he doesn’t want my opinion.” I smiled. “He probably knows what I’ll tell him.”

 

Carl chuckled. “He probably does. 

“And he probably doesn’t care.”

 

Carl chuckled again.  “Nope.  Probably doesn’t.”

 

Carl didn’t give me any further insight into what he thought the odds were of Johnny keeping his job. Maybe he didn’t know. Or maybe he felt the fire station wasn’t the place to discuss it for fear we’d be overheard.  The subject would have dropped on its own anyway, because Johnny returned to the dayroom then, and a few minutes later we were leaving for his appointment at the clinic.

 

The rest of that week passed by uneventfully.  Johnny continued to drive Trevor to and from school each day, while I rode beside him in the passenger seat.  By Friday, I had no concerns about his ability to drive, and was prepared to tell his doctor that if Johnny needed me to.  Johnny was seen in various places around Eagle Harbor that week as well – the post office, the bank, the café, and at Trevor’s hockey and basketball games.  Every time we were in town he stopped at the fire station.  I could see the longing in his eyes to return to that part of his life.  I could see a drive there, an ambition to once again be Eagle Harbor’s Fire and Paramedic Chief, that had been lacking up until then.  Most of all, I could see his fear of failure was gone, and had been replaced by confidence and a calm sense of self-assuredness.

 

On Monday of the following week, Johnny kept Trevor out of school.  Since aneurysms are often hereditary, and given that was the cause of Johnny’s mother’s death, Doctor Webber felt it was important for Trevor to undergo an MRI.  Johnny had prepared Trevor for the procedure, assuring him it wouldn’t hurt, and that the worst part of it would be that he’d have to lay still in whatever position or positions the technician requested of him.

 

We left for Juneau right after breakfast, catching the nine o’clock ferry that would take us across the expanse of the Pacific Ocean that separated Eagle Harbor from the mainland of Alaska.  Two of the ferries serving Eagle Harbor ran only during the height of tourist season, from May through September, and weren’t big enough for vehicles to board.  The remaining two ferries were four times the size of the ones used for tourists, and could hold all the cars and passengers necessary to get people to the mainland for shopping excursions, jobs, and medical appointments at Bartlett Regional Hospital.

 

            By one o’clock, we were done at the hospital.  Johnny and I had to remain in a waiting area while Trevor underwent the MRI.  When Trev was finished and had rejoined us, he reported the procedure was a, “Piece of cake,” and didn’t seem concerned about what the results might be.  Whether he was just being strong for his father’s sake, or whether he was displaying the typical teenage attitude that he was invincible and couldn’t possibly suffer from anything life threatening, I wasn’t sure.  I was glad, however, to see him at ease and not upset over it.  Johnny was told it would be a day or two before the doctor called him with the results.  If an aneurysm were found then a decision would have to be made regarding when surgery was done to correct it.  I knew that possibility had Johnny worried, but he hid his concerns from Trevor and treated us to lunch.  After the meal, Johnny drove us to the dock where we boarded the ferry that took us back to Eagle Harbor.

 

            We arrived home at four-thirty that afternoon.  Trevor and Johnny did chores, while I warmed up leftovers for supper.  By six, we’d eaten and had the kitchen cleaned up.  Johnny sent Trevor upstairs to do the homework assignments he’d collected from his teachers on Friday for this missed day of school. Trev had just shut the door to his room when the phone rang.  Johnny picked it up.  From his side of the conversation I knew he was talking to Carl, but didn’t hang around and eavesdrop.  I went to the great room, took the newspaper out of the rack next to Johnny’s chair, sat in the recliner that had become mine during my stay, and started reading.

 

            Johnny entered the room a few minutes later.  I glanced up, seeing a cross of anticipation and apprehension on his face.

 

            “Everything okay?”

 

            He sat in his chair before answering me.

 

            “That was Carl.”

 

            “I thought so.”

           

            “He…um…police and fire-the police and fire ‘mission wanna meet with me at seven on Friday night.  They wanna…Ellison is calling for a vote.”

 

            “About whether or not you can keep your job?”

 

            “Yeah.”

 

            “What are you gonna do?”

            “Tell ‘em truth-the truth.  I want my job.  I can do my job.  I juz’ nee-need little more time.  Just a couple more months.”

 

            I nodded. I didn’t think Johnny was being unrealistic.  It had now been eleven weeks since he’d collapsed at the fire station.  If Ellison wanted Johnny back to work exactly at week twelve…well, Johnny wasn’t quite ready for that. At least not on a full time basis.  But if the members of the commission were willing to give him just a little more time, then I thought it was a strong possibility that he’d be ready to return to work in late May or early June.

 

            “When are you going to tell Trevor?”

 

            “Not until af’er-after school on Friday.  No point…there’s no point in telling sooner-him sooner.  He’ll just worry.”

 

            I agreed with Johnny regarding that decision. Friday would come around quickly enough as it was. 

 

            Johnny ended the conversation then by turning on the television.  The upcoming meeting wasn’t mentioned again that evening.  The next day Johnny drove Trevor to school, ran a few errands in town, went to physical therapy, and stopped by the fire station.  When we got home, he called his neurosurgeon’s office.  An hour later, the doctor called him back.  Johnny explained what was happening in regards to his job.  Doctor Webber promised to fax a document to Carl stating that in his medical opinion Johnny would be able to perform his job to full capacity in approximately two months time.  While they were on the phone, the doctor also told Johnny he’d seen the results of Trevor’s MRI, and that everything looked good. 

 

            “He said when Trev’s gro--grown and out on his own, he’ll need to make his doc’or aware of his family history.  Maybe follow-up MRI’s should be done ever-every few years as he ages, but for now, things good-things are good.”

 

            “That’s great news,” I said as we sat together at the table eating a late lunch of chicken salad sandwiches.

 

            “Yeah, it is.  Maybe that be--that’ll be my lucky charm this week.”

 

            “Maybe,” I agreed, willing to allow him to hold onto whatever luck he needed to that would help him get through until Friday.

 

            After we’d eaten, Johnny made one more phone call.  He reached Clarice at Renee’s house.  The elderly man was doing better, and in Carl’s opinion, didn’t need Clarice at his home on a daily basis any longer.

 

            “He just wants the company,” Carl had told me when we were at the station earlier that day and I’d asked about his uncle.  “He knows you’re here, Roy, and that frees up Mom since she doesn’t have to work for John.  Uncle Renee’ will take full advantage of that for as long as he can.”

 

            Hearing that didn’t bother me any.  If my presence in Johnny’s home allowed a lonely old man to be a little less lonely for a few weeks, then I was happy.

 

            As I put the dishes in the dishwasher, I heard Johnny ask Clarice if she could come by the house about six-thirty on Friday evening and stay with Trevor until we got home from the meeting.  I hadn’t been aware I was going to the meeting with him, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made.  Since Carl was a voting member of the commission, it would put him in an uncomfortable position if he were the one to pick Johnny up and drive him to the station.  And though Johnny was now driving the Land Rover, technically speaking his doctor had yet to release him to be behind the wheel, which was why he probably thought it was smart to continue to have me as a passenger.  I also suspected he wanted what he couldn’t voice – a friend available for whatever support he needed on the ride home should the vote not to go in his favor.

 

            “Or I could bring him to Renee’s,” Johnny said to Clarice.  “Whate’er you want.  I know he’s old ‘nough be here alone for a while, but not on that night.  I don’--don’t want him here alone that night.”

 

            Johnny didn’t give Clarice any more of an explanation than that.  There was no doubt she knew what was going on. She told him that we didn’t need to bring Trevor to Renee’s.  By that time in the evening, Renee’ was now capable of being by himself. If he fussed about it, she’d get one of her sisters to stay with him.

 

            After Johnny had gotten off the phone and told me what Clarice said, I gave his shoulder a quick squeeze. 

 

            “You’ve done a good job of handling everything this week.”

 

            He looked at me with a puzzled expression.

 

            “Trevor’s MRI.  The news Carl gave you about the meeting.  Getting a hold of your doctor and finding out what he could provide that might help you.  Making arrangements for Clarice to come here on Friday night.  I guess what I’m trying to say is, you’re doing a good job of running your household again.”

 

            “With you help--your help.”

 

            “I’m not doing much of anything any more except putting on weight Joanne’s gonna have a fit about when she gets her first look at me.”

 

            Johnny chuckled.  “Tell her call me.  I’ll vow--vow--vouch for how hard you’ve been working.”

 

            We played cards for a while after that, then it was time to do chores, start supper, and pick Trevor up from hockey practice.  Johnny told Trevor the results of his MRI while we ate.  Trev’s face lit up, leading me to conclude he’d been more worried than he’d let one.

 

            “That’s good news, huh, Pops?”

 

            Johnny pulled the boy to him in a sideways hug. “You bet it is.”

 

            After we’d eaten, Trevor went upstairs to do his homework while Johnny and I played poker.  As I watched him concentrate on his cards and plan his strategy, I couldn’t help but think how far he’d come during the past six weeks.  I hated the thought of Tim Ellison taking all that away from him, and I hated the thought of how that might affect him. How it had the potential to wipe out all he’d accomplished with one swift blow. How it had the potential to crush the recent desire he’d found to participate in life again, rather than just sit in his house and watch the world go by around him. 

 

Just ten days earlier I’d told Joanne that I was sure Johnny would be all right. But with the commission meeting looming ahead of us, I was beginning to wonder if I’d be proven wrong.

 

Chapter 56

 

            I heard the conference room door open, and then close.  I was in Johnny’s office, waiting as the Police and Fire Commission meeting convened down the hallway.  I watched over my shoulder. Johnny entered the office and quietly shut the door.  He walked to the chair behind his desk and sat down. 

 

            By the expression on his face, I tried to guess what had gone on in that room for the last thirty minutes. Unfortunately, he kept his features schooled in the same neutral mask he’d been wearing ever since we’d left home.

 

            I remained silent, letting him decide when he was ready to talk.  A minute passed before he looked at me.

 

            “I don’t know.”

 

            “You don’t know what?”

 

            “Don’t know what they’ll dee-decide. I did my best.”

 

            “That’s all you can do.”

 

            “I know.  I’m juz--just ‘fraid I waited too long.  Did too little too late, as express…the expression goes.”

 

            “Look, no one can put themselves in your place. No one can know how he’d feel, how he’d handle it, if he went through what you have this winter.  Don’t be so hard on yourself, Johnny.”

 

            “Should have been harder on ‘self--myself sooner.  Worked harder to get better.”

 

            I’d been afraid there would come a time when he’d regret those first few weeks after he was home from the hospital, when he refused to talk, or do his physical therapy, or be seen in public.  But I’d never thought those regrets would center around someone taking his job away from him.  I thought they’d center around Johnny himself not caring enough to recover and then return to his job. I thought they’d center around his lack of interest in Trevor’s activities, and in life in general.  I’d always thought Johnny was in complete control of his destiny. I’d never considered the possibility that someone would take that control away from him like Ellison was doing now.  And I’d certainly never considered it once Johnny’s determination to recover finally set in.

 

            As I studied Johnny, I could see he’d never considered it either. He sat silently berating himself for what he deemed his foolish pride.  I didn’t know what to say other than what I already had.  None of us can predict how we’d react to a situation like he’d been through.  All the while I was telling him what he had to do in order to get better, I was well aware that had our positions been reversed, I might have suffered from the same depression, despondency, and lack of motivation that he did.

 

            That was water under the bridge, though.  Johnny’d gotten past it, and I continued to hope that whatever the commission decided, he’d somehow be able to accept the outcome of their vote and go forward with his life, rather than wallowing in thoughts of what “used to be” while growing angry and bitter over all that was taken from him.

 

            We sat in silence, Johnny’s eyes flicking around the office.  He seemed to be absorbing everything in the room, as though he was memorizing the layout in the event he was never here again. The pictures of Trevor and my family members that sat on his bookshelves. The paramedic and firefighting manuals on those same shelves.  The bronze baby shoes of Trevor’s on one corner of his credenza, flanked on the other corner by another pair of bronze baby shoes that only a very few people, like myself and Carl, knew had belonged to Johnny’s long deceased daughter Jessie.  The plaques and certificates hanging on the wall to the right of his desk, that he’d been awarded over the years for service to the community of Eagle Harbor. And then the crayon drawings framed and grouped together on the wall across from his desk, made by a little boy as he progressed from kindergarten, to first grade, to second grade, and so on. 

 

            Other than an occasional murmur of voices coming from the dayroom where on-duty police and fire personnel had gathered, silence prevailed in Johnny’s office.  He wasn’t in the mood to talk, and I wouldn’t have known what to say even if he had been.  Neither of us wanted to shoot the bull about stuff that didn’t matter, and we’d done all the talking we could about the stuff that did. Nothing either one of us said now would change what was happening in that conference room down the hall.

 

            It was quarter after eight when I heard the squeak of the conference room door opening.  Heavy footsteps resounded down the hall, stopping in front of Johnny’s office.  Whoever it was hesitated before entering.  I’d turned in my chair to stare at the door, and knew Johnny was staring at it too. A few more seconds passed before Carl came in.  He wouldn’t look at either one of us as he closed the door behind him.  Again, he hesitated a moment, then finally headed for the chair next to mine.  He sat down, his bulk barely fitting into the frame not made for a man of his height and width.

 

            I don’t know if Carl would have managed to vocalize anything that night had Johnny not prompted him with, “Carl?”

 

            The man closed his eyes a brief second.  When he opened them, he glanced at me before finally focusing on Johnny.

 

            “I…John….I’m sorry.  I’m so damn sorry.  The vote…it was six to five.”

 

            Johnny didn’t ask six to five what. He knew.  Including himself, there were twelve members on the Police and Fire Commission. In this situation, he was excluded from voting.  That meant of the remaining members, six had voted against him keeping his job, and five had voted for him keeping it.   

 

            Johnny momentarily acted as though he’d had the wind knocked out of him, but recovered quickly.  I was as sure as I could be that he’d been preparing himself for this –  preparing for how he’d react if Carl brought him the news he’d just delivered.

 

            “It’s okay,” Johnny said in a voice that was barely louder than a whisper. “It’s okay.”

           

            “No it’s not okay dammit!  It’s not okay, and don’t sit there and think this is where it’s gonna end.  Phil and I’ve been talking for days about what we’d do if this was the outcome. He’s already got a petition made.  We’ll start circulating it around town first thing in the morning.   We’ll get every signature we can, then present it to the commission and--”

 

            “No.”

            “What?”

 

            “I say--said no.”

 

            “But why?”

            “It’ll tear this town part-apart, Carl.  I won’t do that.  I don’t want that to happen.”

 

            “John, the people of this town are your friends.  They think the sun rises and sets on you.  You turned this fire department around.  You took a department that was on the brink of extinction because of years of poor management, and turned it into the best fire department in this state.”

 

            “My answer still--is still no.”

 

            “John…”

 

            “No.”

 

            Carl pleaded his case to me.  “Roy, talk some sense into him. Phil and I can change this. I know we can.”

 

            I glanced from Carl to Johnny.  When all Johnny did was shake his head, I had no choice but to say to the police chief, “It’s Johnny’s decision.  You have to respect that.”

 

            Carl pounded a thick fist on the chair’s arm.  “Damn that bastard Ellison.”

 

            “Don--don’t.”

 

            “Don’t what?  Hate the asshole who just convinced five men that the fire department could face a million dollar lawsuit if they didn’t abide by medical leave act.”

 

            “Who was gonna sue the fire department?” I asked.

 

            “Ellison!  Only he didn’t put it that way.  He said he’d have to do this on ‘behalf of the department and the town of Eagle Harbor’ because that’d be what’s best.  He said something about rules are rules.” Carl looked at Johnny again.  “I know the men who voted no didn’t want to, John.  I know they didn’t.  He’s got ‘em running scared because of this lawsuit shit he keeps throwing around.  You don’t have an enemy on that commission.  You never have.”

 

            “ ‘Cept Ellison looks like.”

 

            “Ah, he’s too fuckin’ stupid to even have the brains to be your enemy.  Once the votes were counted, he started yacking about some guy he knows back in Chicago who would make a great chief.  He wants us to set up an interview with him.”

 

            “So you think he orchestrated this on purpose to get Johnny out of a job?”

 

            “I don’t know what to think.  Regardless of what his motives are, he’s conveniently taking advantage of the situation, that’s for sure.  I mean, how stupid can he be, Roy?  By the time we interview potential candidates and find a chief, two or three months will have gone by, if not more. By then, John would be back at work. We have a statement from his doctor confirming that fact.  So you tell me, how much sense does any of this make?”

 

            “None at all, as far as I’m concerned.  But what about Phil? He lives right here in Eagle Harbor. Won’t he be a candidate?”

 

            “Uh huh. He already told me there’s no way he’d take the position under these kind of circumstances, even if it was offered to him.”

 

            “He should.”

 

            We both looked at Johnny.

 

            “He should,” he repeated.  “You tell him I said to…to ‘pply--apply for it.  Take it.”

 

            “He won’t,” Carl reiterated.

 

            “I talk--I’ll talk to him.”

 

            “He still won’t take it.”

 

            Johnny looked disgusted. “Tell him not be so damn stub’rn.”

 

            “Won’t do me any good. He learned how to be stubborn from his boss.”

 

            Johnny smiled.  It was one of the few light moments we had that evening.  When he grew serious again, he said, “I’ll…I’ll clean out this office in a few days.”

 

            I could hear the sadness in Carl’s voice, which was now soft and understanding, in sharp contrast to the anger that had been present earlier. 

 

“There’s no rush.  I can…if it’ll be easier on you, I can do it.  I’ll box everything up and bring it by the house.”

 

Johnny nodded his agreement.  “That be--that’ll be okay.  And tell them I’ll move out of house--the house as soon as I can.”

 

“Don’t worry about it.  You take all the time you need.”

 

“Ellison won’--won’t like that.”

 

“Screw Ellison. He can go to hell for all I care. If he gives you a hard time, you tell me about it.  No one’s pushing you outta that house before you’re ready to go.”

 

“I’ll be ready as soon as find--I find something else.”

 

“You’ll…uh…you’ll stay in Eagle Harbor, won’t you?”

 

Carl’s question and the quiet, hesitant way it was voiced, indicated to me just how much he didn’t want his closet friend to move away.

 

“I’ll stay.  Promised Trev we would.”

 

Carl smiled. “Good.  If you need some place to live for a while until you find what you’re looking for, you can always come to my place. You know Mom won’t mind.  It’ll be a little crowded, but we’ll make it work.”

 

Johnny nodded, but I could tell he didn’t want to impose on Carl and Clarice to that extent if he didn’t have to.  Carl’s home was provided for him by the town of Eagle Harbor, in the same way Johnny’s had been.  Carl’s house was in the heart of town, and was about thirty years older than the one Johnny lived in, meaning the rooms were small.  If I recalled correctly, it had three bedrooms, a living room, kitchen, tiny laundry alcove off of the kitchen, and one bathroom.  Big enough for Carl and Clarice, but crowded if you added Johnny, Trevor, their clothes and whatever personal items Johnny didn’t store somewhere, two dogs, and one cat.

 

There wasn’t much else to say after that.  Johnny pointed toward the hallway.

 

“They gone?”

 

“Yeah.  Some of ‘em wanted to hang around and talk to you, but I told them it was better if they left you alone tonight.”

 

I assumed Carl and Johnny were talking about the other commission members.  I didn’t blame Johnny for not wanting to face any of them that evening. Not even the ones who’d voted for him to keep his job.  He was holding up well, but I knew that inside, this decision was tearing him apart.

 

Johnny grabbed his denim coat off the back of his chair and stood to leave.  Carl and I stood then as well. Carl didn’t let him make it from the room without pulling him into a quick but firm bear hug.  Johnny hugged the man back, then headed for door.  I saw the sheen of tears in Johnny’s eyes as he left that office for the final time.  He turned left rather than right like he normally would have.  Right would have led him to the dayroom.  I could hear subdued voices in there.  Either the men and women gathered around the table already knew what decision had been reached, or they were waiting in nervous anticipation for Carl to tell them.  Either way, Johnny didn’t want to see them any more than he’d wanted to see the commission members.

 

Carl and I followed Johnny down the hall.  We came out in the lobby of the station, where I’d first encountered Happie Alipak several weeks earlier.  She wasn’t on duty that evening.  Between six p.m. and seven a.m., an on-duty police officer or dispatcher kept an eye on this area. Whether that person was in the dayroom too, or in another part of the building, I didn’t know.  For Johnny’s sake, I was simply relieved the lobby was empty.  He turned and patted Carl’s upper arm, saying, “Thanks for everything,” then pushed the door open and walked outside carrying his coat in his right hand. I quickly shouldered into my coat, said to Carl, “I’ll talk to you later,” and moved to follow Johnny.

 

“Hey, Roy.”

 

I turned to look at the police chief.

 

“Take care of him, okay?”

 

“I will,” I promised. 

 

“You think he’ll get through this all right?”

 

I thought a moment before replying. “I don’t know, Carl.  I honestly don’t know.  Time will tell, I guess.”

 

“Yeah,” Carl slowly nodded. “Yeah, I guess it will.”

 

I said goodbye to the man, then hurried out into the damp night air.  I found Johnny seated on the passenger side of the Land Rover.  He handed me the keys when I climbed behind the wheel.  I hoped this wasn’t a sign of how defeated he felt, but instead, was just a sign that he was too tried and upset to drive.  I didn’t question his reasons for relinquishing the driving duties to me though.  I started the vehicle, backed it out of the parking space, and headed for the house that was no longer Johnny’s to live in.

 

Chapter 57

 

Johnny made no move to exit the Land Rover after Roy pulled the vehicle into the garage and shut it off. Roy waited patiently, then finally said, “You need a few minutes before going into the house?”

 

Johnny did, but Trevor was anxiously waiting to find out if his father still had a job.  Johnny’d seen his son looking out the front window as he and Roy passed the house.  He knew Trevor had run to the back door by now.  The longer he delayed, the harder it would be on Trev, and on himself too, he supposed.

 

“No.  I’m okay.”

 

“I can tell him you’ll be inside in a few minutes.”

 

Johnny shook his head. “No point.  He’ll know what happen-ed soon--as soon as you walk in door--the door alone.  He needs to hear this from me.”

 

“Whatever you want, Johnny.”

 

“What I want is my job back.  What I got is what deserve--I deserve for letting my pride get in way--the way of my recovery.”

 

Johnny slipped out of the Rover without waiting for an answer from Roy.  He headed across the driveway, hearing the chains on the automatic garage door kick in when Roy hit the button on the wall. 

 

Roy followed a couple of paces behind Johnny.  By the time they reached the house, Trevor was waiting for them at the back door just as Johnny had known he would be.  The boy pulled the door open.

 

“Papa?”

 

Johnny held up a hand. Trevor was familiar with the gesture. It meant he was to calm down and be patient. 

 

Trevor moved aside as Johnny and Roy entered the house.  Johnny caught sight of Clarice’s face, where she stood in the middle of the kitchen. She looked just as anxious as Trevor, her pinched features broadcasting her worry that the news Johnny had for them wasn’t good.

 

After the men hung up their coats and took off their shoes, Johnny put an arm around his son and led him into the kitchen.  Trevor already had tears in his eyes.

 

“They fired you, didn’t they?  They voted against you.”

 

Johnny put his hands on Trevor’s shoulders and nodded.  “Yes, son, they did.”

 

“But how could they?  After all you’ve done for them!  For everyone!  How could they?”

 

Johnny pulled Trevor to his chest. He knew the questions were more rhetorical in nature than anything else, and besides, they’d already gone over this. Trevor was well aware of the whys and wherefores behind this decision.  There was no point in rehashing what couldn’t be undone.

 

Johnny rubbed his right hand up and down Trevor’s back while holding his left arm out to Clarice. Tears were running down her face too.  She laid her head against his chest, crying along with Trevor.

 

“It’s not fair!” Trevor mumbled into Johnny’s shirt.  “What’s gonna happen now? Where’re we gonna live?”

 

“We’ll be okay,” Johnny reassured Trevor as he cried. “I’ll talk to Mr. Kamen Monday.  We’ll find someth--something we like.”

 

Glen Kamen owned the only real estate agency in town.  He was also a member of Johnny’s volunteer force.  Or what had been Johnny’s volunteer force, now soon to be someone else’s volunteer force.

 

“But it won’t be this house.  We won’t be able to keep the horses or the cats, and what about the snowmobiles?  Where will we keep those if we don’t have a big garage again?”

 

Johnny didn’t try to answer any of Trevor’s questions beyond assuring him once again that everything would work itself out.  The teenager already knew that the animals they couldn’t keep would go to good homes.  Therefore, Johnny recognized the boy’s upset was rooted in the finality of what happened tonight.  He was only thirteen.  He’d expected that somehow things would be okay.  That somehow his father would manage to say the right things, thus enabling him to keep this job, and enabling them to continue living in the only home Trevor remembered.

 

Clarice dried her tears and stepped away from the man. 

 

“How soon do you have to move out?”

“I don’t know.  Carl said there’s no ‘urry-hurry, but I’ll get things settled as soon as poss’ble.”

 

“If you need a place to stay, you and Trevor are welcome at our house for as long as necessary.”

 

“Thanks.  Carl said the same. But we’ll be okay.  Like I tole-told Trev, I’ll talk to Glen on Monday.  See what’s avail--available ‘round town.”

 

Clarice stayed a few minutes longer; hugging Trevor and offering the kind of maternal support and reassurances Johnny thought the boy needed at that moment. 

 

When she finally released Trevor, she gave Johnny a long hug and a kiss on the cheek.  He hugged her in return, then reached for his wallet so he could pay her for the time she’d been with Trevor. She wouldn’t take his money, which caused a minor argument to break out between them that Clarice eventually won.  She said goodnight, making Johnny promise that he, Trevor, and Roy would come to her house for dinner after church on Sunday.

 

Johnny knew she wouldn’t take no for an answer, so agreed to it.  Besides, he’d have to make this kind of effort now if he wanted Trevor to still be exposed to Clarice’s maternal influences.  She’d no longer be a presence in their home, keeping house and cooking.  Since Johnny wouldn’t be working, he’d do those jobs.  After all, wasn’t that what Roy had been preparing him for these past few weeks?  To be independent and able to take care of himself and his son.  Well, it looked like Johnny would be able to put those skills to the test.  He hadn’t lied to Trevor. Disability pay and his pension would allow them to live comfortably, but they’d have to tighten their belts.  Eliminating a weekly paycheck to Clarice was one way of doing that.  

 

Clarice said goodbye to Johnny and Trevor, then went to the laundry room to put her coat on.  Roy saw her to the door, watching until she’d safely made it to her vehicle and was headed down the driveway.

 

Trevor swiped at his tears with a sleeve of his sweatshirt.  Whether he was ashamed of his wet eyes, or just needed to be alone for a while, Johnny wasn’t sure. Either way, he understood how the boy felt when he said, “I’m going to bed.  Night, Uncle Roy.”

 

“Night, Trev.”

 

Trevor slipped his arms around his father’s waist.  It was the first time Johnny noticed that Trevor’s head almost reached his shoulder. 

 

“Night, Papa.”

 

Johnny kissed his son’s forehead.  “Night.”

 

Trevor stepped away from his father.  He shuffled from the room, slowly taking the stairs one at time with his head hanging, rather than bounding up them like he usually did.

 

Roy stood there. Johnny knew his friend was waiting for some kind of signal as to what he needed from him.  Like his son, Johnny just wanted to be alone.  He turned toward Clarice’s room.

 

“Gonna call it a night.”

 

“All right.  Guess I will too.”

 

“You don’t have to.  Watch T.V. for while--a while if you want.”

 

“I can do that up in your room.  That way I won’t disturb anyone.”

 

“Won’t disturb us, but do wha’ever you want.”

 

Before the man could walk away, Johnny said, “Thanks, Roy.”

 

“For what?”

 

“Everything.”

 

Roy didn’t question what Johnny meant.  Johnny hoped he understood that “Thanks” encompassed the whole nine yards – from Roy showing up here uninvited, to Roy forcing him to work hard to gain back all the skills he possibly could, to Roy making him believe in himself again, to Roy always lending quiet steady support in the way only Roy DeSoto could.

 

“You’re welcome. I just wish…well I wish I could have changed how things turned out for you tonight.”

 

Johnny shot his friend a small smile. “You and me both.”

 

The men said a final good night to one another and parted ways.  Johnny shut off the kitchen light after Roy made it up the stairs.  He walked down the short hallway to Clarice’s room.  He dropped to the edge of the bed and buried his head in his hands.  He wasn’t nearly as all right as he’d led everyone to believe.  He had no job. He had no home.  And right now, he felt like he had no identity either, because he wasn’t Chief John R. Gage any longer, as the brass nameplate on his office door read.  After almost thirteen years of loyal service to the town he’d grown to love, he was no longer the man in charge of the Eagle Harbor Fire Department. 

 

Once again, the old feelings of being lost, alone, and adrift washed over him.  He knew he was lucky he had Trevor, because if he didn’t, the temptation to run again, to try and leave his disappointment and heartache behind him and start over once more in a new town, would be too strong to resist.  But Trevor would anchor him, would get him through this, in more ways than anyone could imagine.  He had responsibilities to his son. He’d promised Trevor they’d stay in Eagle Harbor.  The boy was only thirteen.  Johnny still had several years of parenting ahead of him.  Yet self doubts suddenly prevailed again.  Just when Johnny was beginning to gain his confidence back, his job was taken from him because at least one man didn’t believe he’d fully recover. What if he didn’t?  What if disabilities always plagued him?  Johnny would never admit it to anyone, but suddenly it frightened him to think of Clarice no longer working for him, and Roy returning to Los Angeles. Could he run a household and raise Trevor without help?

 

Johnny sighed as he lay down. He grappled for the blanket he had folded at the end of the bed. He didn’t bother to turn the comforter or sheets back, or take his jeans and shirt off.  He covered himself with the blanket, brought his right arm up over his eyes, gave another heavy sigh, and tried to clear his mind of the worries, fears, regrets, and sorrows that threatened to overwhelm him.

 

Chapter 58

 

Johnny sat at the desk in his home office, surfing the information on the website for Glen Kamen’s real estate business.  He’d found two houses for sale that might fit his needs. Both were smaller than what he was living in, but that was all right.  He and Trevor didn’t need a home that included four bedrooms – if you counted this office as a bedroom, that is, which was its intended use when the house was built – three bathrooms, and a formal dining room like they currently had. 

 

Johnny knew the owners of both the homes.  Because of that, an educated guess told him one needed a thorough cleaning, fresh paint on the walls, new carpeting, and numerous repairs.  The other home would be immaculate and well cared for, probably looking as new inside as it had the day it was built, which was in 1990 according to the stats posted below its picture. That was the house he was most interested in.  He’d also found numerous parcels of vacant land for sale.  That was a strong possibility as well.  Prior to his collapse, Johnny’d been planning to invest in some land around Eagle Harbor, preparing for the day when he retired and had to move out of this house. He’d long ago decided that when that time arrived, he’d have a home built.  Maybe that was still a good idea.  Maybe he should look into the cost of having a house constructed for him and Trevor.  At least that way he’d get exactly what he wanted and not have to settle for the tastes of a previous owner.

 

Johnny hit the “print” command, printing information about the houses and various land parcels.  He’d talk about all of these possibilities with Glen on Monday.  He trusted the man’s opinion. He knew Glen wouldn’t steer him wrong just for the sake of a sale. 

 

He entered the address for e-Bay next. He wanted to check on the progress of the item he’d put up for bid.  He’d woken from a fitful sleep shortly after one a.m.  With all that was on his mind, he’d known he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again, so he’d gotten up and moved quietly about the main floor. The upstairs remained dark and silent.  That fact assured Johnny that both Roy and Trevor were sleeping.  If either of them hadn’t been and heard him shuffling between rooms, he’d have quickly had company.

 

But Johnny hadn’t wanted company, so was glad his son and friend were able to succumb to the state of unawareness sleep brings.  A state he couldn’t seem to find, and probably wouldn’t find for several nights to come.  He’d poured himself a glass of milk, then carried it into his office.  He flicked on the light switch, put the glass on his desk, and crossed to a small safe that sat beneath his bookshelves. 

 

Johnny didn’t have any money in the safe. For the most part it held legal papers, bank investment vehicles like certificates of deposits and savings passbooks, some stock certificates, his mutual fund portfolio, a copy of his will, insurance documents, and other things of that nature.  Only three people had a combination to the safe. His lawyer, Carl and Clarice.  None of them had yet to have reason to access it, so they didn’t know he kept one thing of value in there – the engagement ring he’d purchased for Ashton.  He’d taken a picture of it with his digital camera a couple of years earlier with the intention of selling the ring on e-Bay.  He couldn’t say for certain why he hadn’t.  Memories maybe?  The notion that the ring would mean something to Trevor someday?  He hadn’t been sure then of his reasons for changing his mind and keeping the ring, and he still wasn’t sure of them.  But during those early morning hours on Saturday, he decided the ring had outlived its usefulness.  The money he’d get for it was needed now.  For the time being, he’d put the cash in Trevor’s college fund.  He hoped he’d never have to draw it out to pay the mortgage or to meet other expenses, but like a lot of things that were happening in his life currently, only time would tell.

 

It didn’t take Johnny long to set up an e-Bay account. He’d helped Clarice establish one up last year, when she wanted to sell some leftover items from the Methodist Women’s Council rummage sale. Soon the picture of the ring, along with a description of it and its original purchase price, was in cyberspace for anyone to see and bid on. 

 

Johnny smiled now as he saw what the bids were up to.  He didn’t anticipate getting the full eight thousand dollars he’d paid for the ring, but already the bids were higher than what he’d thought they’d be. 

 

He exited the site and sat back in his chair. The house was quiet, but not because Roy and Trevor were still sleeping.  It was a few minutes after ten.  Roy had left a little while ago to take Trevor to Gus’s.  Breakfast had been a subdued affair that morning.  Johnny’d done his best to put on a happy face for Trevor’s sake. The boy had been subjected to enough of his father’s depression this winter.  He didn’t need to be subjected to any more.  Nonetheless, Johnny knew Trev had seen right through his charade.  When it came time for Trevor to go to Gus’s, Johnny couldn’t bring himself to drive Trev there.  He didn’t want to see anyone today.  He didn’t want anyone’s sympathy.  Tomorrow he’d make himself sit at Carl and Clarice’s table for Sunday dinner like he’d promised Clarice he would, and on Monday, he’d put on his “game face” and make himself take Trevor to school, then do the things he had to in town – go to physical therapy, run any necessary errands, and stop to see Glen.  But today…today he wanted to be secluded from Eagle Harbor and the people who inhabited her.  His answering machine was already filled with messages. The phone hadn’t stopped ringing all morning, but he refused to pick it up, and wouldn’t allow Trevor or Roy to either.  He could tell that scared Trevor.  It reminded Trev too much of how his father had been before Roy arrived.  Johnny assured his son then that this was just a temporary reprieve from the world. 

 

“I just need to be left ‘lone today, Trev.  Just for today.”

 

Trevor had given a reluctant nod.  He didn’t like it, but he didn’t argue with Johnny about it either.  Neither did Roy. Not even when Johnny asked him to take Trevor to Gus’s, while making it clear he wasn’t riding along.

 

Johnny heard the back door open and close. He stayed where he was, but answered Roy’s call so the man would know where to find him. 

 

Roy entered the room a few seconds later. 

 

“I got Trev to work.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“You’re welcome.” 

 

Roy sat down in the upholstered chair that resided in one corner of the room.  Johnny motioned for him to pull it up in front of his desk.  Roy did so, then sat back down again, sinking into the comfortable chair that Johnny had bought at an estate sale the previous year.

 

“Gus was wondering where you were.”

 

“What’d tell--you tell him?”

 

“That you had a few things to do around here today.”

 

“Thanks ‘gain.”

 

“You’re welcome again.  I…you’ll probably hear this from someone else if I don’t tell you, so I might as well just go ahead.”

 

“Tell me what?”

 

“The reason Gus was looking for you was because of the meeting going on in his office.”

 

“Meeting?”

 

“Some of the men from town were there.  They were hoping they could talk you into letting them circulate that petition Carl mentioned.  Some guy named Jim Beaumont asked me to tell you he’ll call you later.”

 

“The mayor.”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“Jim. He--he’s Eagle Harbor’s mayor.”

 

“Oh. That explains why he seemed to be the one in charge.”

 

“Where Trevor--where was Trev when all this going on?”

“Gus met him as he was getting out of the Land Rover and got him started on some project in the hangar.”

 

“Good.  I don’t want him to know about this pet--pet--petition idea.  It’ll just get hopes-his hopes up.” 

 

“I was thinking the same thing.  If luck is on your side, the men in Gus’s office will leave before Trevor even realizes they were there.”

 

Johnny gave a mirthless laugh.  “With way luck hasn’t been my--on my side lately, I might well-as well expect the worse when Trev comes home.”

 

The phone rang again before Roy had a chance to reply.  Johnny didn’t answer it, just like he hadn’t answered any other calls that morning.  The answering machine clicked on in the kitchen.  Johnny couldn’t make out the caller’s words, but even from this distance he recognized his father’s voice.  Chad and Marietta called once a week to check on him and ask about his progress.  When Roy had arrived, they’d been happy to hear he was there for an extended stay, especially after finding out Clarice was ill.  Now they knew Johnny was well on the road to recovery.  That meant they’d be shocked when he told them he no longer had a job.

 

When Chad finished leaving his message and disconnected the call, Johnny said, “I haven’t told him any--about any of this yet.”

 

“And you don’t have to until you’re ready.”

 

“I know. Guess that’s one good thing ‘bout living so far away from family.  Easy--it’s easy to keep the bad times from them.”

 

“I suppose it is.  You’ll have to tell him eventually though.”

 

“I will.  When things--when things more settled. When I know where Trev and I gonna-are gonna live.”

 

“Doesn’t sound like a bad idea.  At least that way you’ll be able to put your dad’s worries to rest.”

 

“That what I was thinking too.”  Johnny passed the printouts to Roy.  “Been looking at these.”

 

Roy studied the pictures of the homes, read the stats, then did the same with the parcels of land. When he was finished, he handed everything back to Johnny.

 

“Looks like you’ve got some strong possibilities there.”

 

“Yeah. May way--maybe the way to go is to have a house built.”

 

“Maybe.  It’s worth checking into if nothing else.”

 

Johnny nodded, then said, “And I’m selling the ring.”

 

“The ring?”

 

“The ‘gagement-engagement ring I bought for Ashton.”

 

“Selling it? To who?”

 

“On e-Bay.”

 

Roy didn’t say anything one way or another.  Johnny surmised his friend thought it was a wise move, and probably long overdue, but Roy kept his opinion to himself, which didn’t surprise Johnny.

 

Johnny glanced at the small calendar on one corner of his desk. He stared at the date so long that Roy asked, “What’s wrong?”

 

“It’s April first.”

 

“Yeah, it is.”

 

“April Fool’s Day.”

 

Roy nodded. “It’s that too.”

 

“Just seems ‘ppropriate.”

 

“What seems appropriate?”

 

“That it-it’s April Fools Day.  The day after lost-I lost my job.  The day I’m selling the ring I bought Ash-for Ashton.”

 

“Johnny, don’t.”

 

“Don’t what?”

 

“Don’t think like that.  You’re not a fool.”

 

“Sometimes am--I am. Sometimes I have been.”

 

“Sometimes we all are.”

 

“Guess that’s true.”

 

“It is.”

 

When Johnny grew quiet and that silence lingered so long it evidently worried Roy, the man assured, “You’re gonna be okay, Johnny.  You’ll get through this.”

 

Johnny could hear the false confidence in Roy’s voice.  He knew that wasn’t because Roy lacked faith in him, but because, even from Roy’s perspective, things were looking pretty bleak right now.

 

Things were looking pretty bleak to Johnny too, but he wouldn’t admit that aloud.  He thought of how he’d come to realize over the years that life often balanced itself out.  He said as much to Roy when he spoke again.

 

“When Trev was born, I learned that with the bad sometimes come-comes some good, too.  Sometimes something so good, you would-wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on it.  In the end, it makes the bad parts worth all the pain.”

 

            Johnny didn’t know if any good would come from the situation he was currently living through, but he did know something good in the form of a boy named Trevor had come from his years with Ashton. Roy knew it as well, and waited patiently until the memories surrounding an engagement ring that had never been worn finally caused Johnny to start talking about the day Trevor was born.

 

 

Chapter 59

 

            Johnny glared at the woman. “So what you’re saying is you spent the night with another man!”

 

            “I didn’t “spend the night” with anyone!  For God’s sake, John, all I did was have dinner with an old friend.”

 

            Johnny made a point of looking at his watch. “Until four in the morning?  Must have included a hell of a lotta courses.”

 

            “Oh for the love of…we were just sitting and talking.  Getting caught up on old times.”

 

            “Since when’re you interested in getting caught up on “old times” with Andrew Bishop?”

 

            “Look, I know my history with him, okay?  You don’t have to throw it in my face.”

 

            “All I’m asking is when did you start considering him a friend?”

 

            The woman averted her eyes, seeming to have a sudden fascination with the toaster.  “I don’t know…a…a while ago.”

 

            Johnny crossed his arms over his chest and demanded,  “When, Ashton?”

 

            She looked at him as if meeting the challenge in his voice.  “A few months ago.  We ran into each other at the hospital and had lunch.”

 

            “Are you sleeping with him?”

 

            “Sleeping with…how dare you say such a thing!  Besides, I can’t even comfortably have sex with you right now, let alone with anyone else.”

 

Ashton ran her hands over her huge protruding belly.  Dawn was just starting to break outside the condo on this Wednesday in mid-May.   The baby wasn’t due for five days yet, but she’d been having widely spaced labor pains on and off for the past three. 

           

            “How would you know you can’t comfortably have sex with me?  You haven’t had any goddamn sex with me since the day that baby was conceived!”

 

            “Boy, you sure get testy when you haven’t had any sleep.”

 

            “Of course I get testy!  I’ve been up all night wondering where you were.  Worrying that you’d been in a car accident, or kidnapped, or--”

 

            “No one in his right mind kidnaps a woman who’s nine months pregnant.  I have to pee every five minutes.  The poor man wouldn’t be able to drive more than a block before I’d be demanding he stop at a gas station so I could use the bathroom.”

 

            “Don’t make a joke out of this, Ashton!”

 

            “Well what am I supposed to make out of it?” She laid her hands against the small of her back, kneaded, winced, and started pacing the floor as though standing in one place was suddenly painful. “Look, I’m sorry the time got away from me.  I should have called you when I left the hospital, but it was a spur of the moment thing. Drew was there on a patient consult, we crossed paths, and he asked if I wanted to stop somewhere for dinner before I came home. That’s all there was to it.”

 

            “And what about the other times?”

 

            “What other times?”

 

            “When you met him for lunch.”

 

            “I was pregnant, John.”

 

            “Contrary to what you’ve wanted me to believe these past nine months, pregnant women do have sex, you know.” 

 

            “Yes, I know, but not this one – especially not tonight, because I’ve had a killer backache since noon – so quit jumping to conclusions.  You’re upsetting yourself for no reason other than jealousy.”

 

            “I’m not jealous!”

 

            “Yes you are, and considering I’m fat as a cow…no, make that fat as two cows, I think it’s kind of cute.”

 

            Johnny didn’t know whether to strangle the woman, or pin her against the wall and make love to her. She was driving him nuts – part vixen, part bitch. For the first time in all the years he’d know her, Johnny realized he’d just described her to a T.  And still, the next thing out of his mouth was, “Marry me?”

 

            “John…”

           

            “Forget it.”  He turned away, pissed at himself for begging, pissed at her for the “no” she was about to give him, and just pissed in general that the thing he wanted most for his child – a happy home headed by a mother and father who were crazy over one another in the way Roy and Joanne always had been – would be foreign to this baby.

 

            “Please don’t let your pride--”

 

            He whirled around to face her. “What the hell do you know about my pride!  You’ve taken away the last ounce of it I have!  Do you enjoy knowing you have some kind of power over me I can’t seem to break free from?  Do you enjoy knowing I wanna marry you more than I want anything? Is it some kinda cheap thrill for you to keep turning me down!”

 

            “No, I--”

 

            “And then the final kick in the ass is that you’re just days away from having my baby,” he drilled an index finger into his chest, “my child, and you’ve just spent the night with the high and mighty Doctor Andrew Bishop.”

 

            “I didn’t spend the night with him!  Not like you’re insinuating!  It wasn’t like that!”

 

            “Then just what was it like?”

 

            “We had dinner, then went back to his place to talk.  I fell asleep--”

 

            “Oh, so now the truth comes out.  You didn’t just go to dinner, you went back to his place and slept with him.”

 

            “I never said I slept with him!”

 

            “You never said a lot of things, like the part about going back to his place for instance.”

 

            She framed her stomach with her hands. “Look at me!  I’m nine months pregnant!  No man wants to sleep with me, let alone Drew Bishop.”

 

            “Well I wanna sleep with you!  Or I did until I found out you spent the night at Bishop’s place.”

 

            “I didn’t spend the night there. I told you, we went back to his place to talk for a while.  I fell asleep on the couch.”

 

            “And he couldn’t have woken you up and sent you home sometime before four in the morning?”

 

            “He thought I looked tired. He thought I needed my sleep.”

 

            “You never seem to care when I think you look tired and need to sleep.”

 

She glared at him while rubbing her lower back again.  “You know what?”

 

“What?”

 

“You’re a stubborn jackass with a one track mind.  Let it go, John.  If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it ten times, nothing happened between Drew and me.”

 

“Maybe not, but you seem to have conveniently forgotten that he did something to you I never have.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Slept with another woman while leading you to believe you were his one and only.”

 

“That’s in the past.”

 

Johnny stared at the mother of his child, wondering if she’d ever fully understand how self-centered she was.  How all she cared about was how she felt at any given moment, and everyone else be damned.

 

“You know what, Ashton?”

 

“What?”

 

“Your parents might have raised a well-bred woman who knows what fork to use at a fancy dinner party, and who can get front-row tickets to the best Broadway shows, and who knows what the latest fashions are and the difference between a drawing room and a living room, but they also raised a spoiled brat.”

 

“Spoiled brat?   Why you…don’t you call me a spoiled brat and then turn and walk away, John Gage.  Get back here!  Get back here right now.”

 

Johnny didn’t even give her the satisfaction of glancing over his shoulder.

 

“Sorry, Ashton, but I’m not one of your mother’s servants.  I don’t come running at your beck and call.”

 

“Why you…”

 

Johnny heard footsteps moving rapidly down the hall from behind him, then a hand grabbed his upper arm, long fingernails digging into his skin.  She spun him around, fury flashing from her eyes.

 

“Don’t you ever say anything like that to me again!”

 

“The truth hurts, is that it?”

 

“No it doesn’t because it’s not the truth.  And don’t be so goddamn smug.  And for the record, if you want to know the real reason why I won’t marry you, it’s because I don’t love you!  I don’t love you! There!  Now you know.” 

 

Although that revelation came as no surprise to Johnny, it still hurt.  Before he had time to absorb the pain, Ashton continued as though she couldn’t wait to throw more cold water in his face.

 

“I don’t love you any more, John, and no matter how many times you propose, the answer will always be…oh!  Oh…oh my.”  The woman’s eyes widened. She stumbled backwards, sucking in big gulps of air.  Her fingernails were no longer digging into Johnny.  Her hand was now clutching his forearm and squeezing.  “Oh my…oh--”

 

“What?”  Johnny reached out to support her. “What is it?”

 

“Uh…”  She looked down at the stain on the carpeting.  “My water…”  When she looked back up at Johnny fear shone from her eyes.  “My water just broke.  I…I think I’m in labor. My back’s been bothering me, but I never thought that was why.  I never--” 

 

“All right.  It’s okay. Everything’s gonna be fine.  Let’s get you to the bedroom and time the contractions.”

 

The angry words and upset were forgotten as Johnny gently ushered Ashton to the master bedroom as though she was the first woman in the world to go into labor.     He pulled the quilt back from the bed, grabbed the pillows, piled them on top of one another, and eased Ashton against them.  She used an index finger to gesture toward the garage.

 

“My medical bag’s in the trunk of the my car.”

 

“Okay. Be right back.”

 

Johnny grabbed his key ring from the top of the dresser and hurried through the condo.  In thirty seconds he’d returned carrying Ashton’s black medical bag.  He put the bag on the dresser, opened it, plucked the stethoscope and B/P cuff from the array of items the bag contained, and crossed to the bed.  He sat on the edge of the mattress.

 

“How’re you feeling?”

 

“Okay.”

 

Johnny put the stethoscopes earpieces in place.  “Contractions aren’t too strong?”

 

“No, not yet.”

 

He warmed the stethoscope up by rubbing it in the palm of his hand for a few seconds, then lifted her top and pressed the scope against her enormous belly. He listened, then moved the scoped, listened some more, and then moved it again. When he took the earpieces out and sat up to reach for the B/P cuff, Ashton’s voice held a twinge of anxiety.

 

“Is everything okay?”

 

Johnny smiled. “Sure is. The heartbeat’s nice and strong.”  The paramedic took Ashton’s blood pressure next.  He was satisfied with that reading as well. 

 

“Just lay here a second. I’ll be right back.”

 

Johnny stepped into the hall, crouched down, and examined the wet stain on the beige carpeting.  It appeared clear to him, with no evidence of a yellow or green tinge.  That was good news as well. It indicated no meconium in the fluid, meaning the risk of the baby sucking the sticky tar-like first bowel movement into its lungs at birth and aspirating was greatly decreased. 

 

Ashton must have known what he was doing. As he returned to the room she asked, “Is it clear?”

 

“Yeah. Looks good.”

 

Johnny sat on the edge of the bed again, the mattress dipping slightly under his weight. “Let’s see just how quickly this little one wants to the see the light of day.”

 

The paramedic lifted Ashton’s maternity top again so he could rest his right hand on her stomach.  Johnny gave her the same relaxed calm smile he’d give a patient in this same situation.  An expectant mother’s water breaking before she went into active labor wasn’t necessarily an emergency, but the risk of infection did run high if the baby wasn’t born within twenty-four hours of this event.  Therefore, Ashton’s doctor would want her in the hospital without any great delay.

 

The man flicked his left wrist inward so he could time the contractions on his watch.  Johnny hadn’t touched Ashton in an intimate way since the night the baby was conceived.  And though his hand on her bare stomach for medical purposes wouldn’t be considered intimate by most standards, it felt awkward and uncomfortable, as if he no longer had the right to this type of contact with her. He pushed those thoughts from his mind, along with all of his other concerns – Would the baby be healthy? What did Ashton plan to do after it was born? Would she return here to the condo with him?  Would they try to live together? Try to recapture some of the love they’d had for one another in the past while raising their child together? Would she eventually see that giving the baby a mother and father was the right thing to do and agree to marry him? Or would Ashton disappear from his life and…and do what with the baby?  Put it up for adoption?  Give it to her parents to raise?  In some way try to prevent him from gaining custody of it?

 

Johnny tried to reassure himself she wouldn’t keep the baby from him, yet even into this ninth month of the pregnancy, Ashton still claimed she didn’t know how they’d go forward after the baby arrived.  That, in turn, had cranked Johnny’s imagination into overdrive, which was why he’d begun to worry Ashton might have something planned he wasn’t expecting.

 

She’d better not try and take this baby from me.  I don’t care how much money her parents have, I’ll take every penny I’ve got and hire however many hotshot lawyers I have to in order to fight them.   I’ll sell this place, borrow against my pension fund, borrow money from my dad, take out a loan…

 

Ashton’s voice cut into Johnny’s heavy thoughts.

 

“John…John, is everything okay?”

 

“Uh…sure. Why wouldn’t it be?”

 

“You look worried.  Upset. And you haven’t said a word since you started timing the contractions, which is unheard of for you.”

 

Johnny managed to summon a small smile at her teasing. “Just worried about you and the baby, like any father would be.”

 

“Well you don’t need to be…do you?”

 

“No, no,” he quickly assured, again easily picking up on her apprehension.  It was the first time he’d ever seen Ashton vulnerable, frightened, and unsure of what lay ahead. 

 

“Everything’s fine. The contractions are ten minutes apart. Doesn’t even look like this baby’s gonna get a ride to the hospital in an ambulance.  She’ll have to settle for Dad’s Land Rover.”

 

“She?” Ashton straightened her top and struggled to sit up straighter against the pillows as Johnny removed his hand from her stomach.

 

Johnny shrugged.  “Just a figure of speech.”

 

“Are you hoping it’s a girl?”

 

“I’m not hoping for anything other than a healthy baby, but I’m pretty sure it’s a girl.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I don’t know,” was all Johnny would say.  “I just do. Have been for quite a while now.” 

 

And for various reasons, he did think the baby was a girl.  Although Johnny had never said it to Ashton, her entire pregnancy reminded him of Kim’s. From the amount of weight she’d gained, to the lack of morning sickness she’d experienced, to how tired she’d been during the first trimester, to the pepperoni pizzas she’d craved for a couple of months early in the pregnancy, to the seemingly endless energy she’d had during the second trimester, to the way she was carrying the baby – all out in front and up high, tucked just below her ribcage.  Even her water breaking before any strong labor pains started – the same thing happened to Kim on the day Jessie was born. 

 

As Johnny helped Ashton stand, he asked, “Whatta’ you think it is?”    

 

“I’m not sure. I really haven’t thought much about it.”

 

            “Well you should.”

 

            “Why?”

 

            “ ‘Cause we still have to pick out names, and I’d say we’re getting down to the wire here.”

 

            “You can name it whatever you want to after it gets here and you know what it is.”

 

            Johnny wondered over Ashton’s indifferent answer as he walked with her to the bathroom.  She made it sound like, starting with the child’s name, everything concerning the baby after it emerged from the birth canal would be his responsibility. He’d have questioned her further on that, but now wasn’t the time. She wanted to shower and put on clean clothes.  She still hadn’t packed a bag for her hospital stay, nor packed any blankets or clothing for the baby to come home in, and asked him to take care of that while she got ready. 

 

            The paramedic left Ashton to shower in the master bathroom, extracting a promise that she’d call if she needed his help, or if anything changed regarding the intensity of her contractions, or if she saw any signs of blood.  He didn’t shut the bathroom door or bedroom door when he left.  He kept an attentive ear on Ashton’s movements while heading for the guestroom to pack her bag.  He wasn’t sure what she wanted in the leather carry-on she used when she traveled, but didn’t worry about that fact either. First of all, if she was going to be picky, he’d tell her she should have packed the bag herself days ago.  And second of all, he could always take anything she was lacking to the hospital after the baby was born. 

 

            When Johnny had covered all the bases he could think of for Ashton from her favorite satin pajamas, to the matching robe and slippers, to a couple of changes of clothes, socks, underwear, a bra, and tennis shoes, he added two blankets for the baby, two tiny pairs of socks, a sweater and matching cap one of the nurses had knitted, and three sleepers.  He then went to the hallway closet, opened the door, and took his camera from the shelf.  He returned to the guestroom – soon to be thought of as the nursery – and tucked the camera in one corner of the leather carry-on. Ashton padded into the room naked carrying the makeup bag she’d grabbed from the bathroom in the hall. 

 

            “Oh darn it. I forgot my blow dryer. Can you get that for me, and a tube of toothpaste and a toothbrush?  I think we have some small tubes of Crest and some new toothbrushes in the medicine chest from the last time we were both at the dentist.”

 

            “We do.”

 

            Johnny tried hard not to stare at her nakedness as he brushed by her to get the things she requested.  He hadn’t seen her without her clothes on in months now.  Not since the baby’s presence was so prevalent.  He ached over how much he’d missed. Over how much they’d both missed.  Ashton had been embarrassed about her expanding body, while he thought it was beautiful, just like he’d thought Kim grew only more beautiful throughout each month of her pregnancy with Jessie.

 

              By the time Johnny returned to the bedroom, Ashton was dressed in a maternity outfit he’d never seen before – no doubt with another designer label that meant nothing to him and had probably cost three hundred dollars.  She took the blow dryer from him and dried her hair, allowing it to fall loose around her shoulders in the way he’d always loved.  She then took the time to put her makeup on, which didn’t surprise Johnny. He’d never seen her leave the condo without wearing it.  When she was finished, Johnny teased, “You ready? Or did you wanna vacuum under the bed yet, or clean the oven, or do a few loads of laundry?”

 

            “Since when have you seen me vacuum underneath a bed?” She teased in return before drawing a deep breath of air in a way that gave Johnny the impression she was trying to calm her nerves.  “I…I’m ready.”

 

            “It’ll be okay,” Johnny assured as he slipped the blow dryer into bag, followed by the purse she handed him.  “There’s nothin’ to this.”

 

            “Easy for you to say,” she quipped as he zipped her bag closed, picked it up, placed his free hand on her elbow, and guided her toward the garage. 

 

Ashton waddled the entire way there with both hands pressed against her aching lower back.  Johnny asked if she wanted him to get either a heat pack or ice pack, but Ashton said no, she’d wait until she got to the hospital and request an ice pack from the nurses.

 

            Johnny helped the woman ease her awkward girth into the passenger side of the Land Rover.  He brought the seatbelt up and over her belly, secured it, and shut the door.  He hurried to the back of the vehicle, stowed Ashton’s bag in the cargo hold, and then jogged to the driver’s side.  He climbed behind the wheel, started the truck, and hit the garage door opener clipped to the visor.  The sun was just beginning to show the promise of a beautiful spring day as the paramedic backed the Rover onto the street.

 

Johnny headed north toward Central Hospital where his child would make its first appearance, all the while worrying about what the future held for this baby he wanted so much, and already loved more than any words could express. 

 

 

Part 10