Legitimate Business Expenses
By:
Kenda
“Rick...Rick...Rick!”
“Geez, A.J., ya’ don’t
have to yell. I’m sittin’ right here.”
“Yes, I do have to yell. Rick, you were the one who was supposed to be keeping track of income and expenses for the past three months. We made a deal, remember? You promised me that you’d give me a hand for a change.”
“Yeah, I know. I did. Everything’s right there on your
desk.”
“Rick, I can’t file
quarterly tax returns based on this kind of inane record keeping!”
“Why not?”
“Why not? Why not, you ask?”
“Yeah, I believe I just
did.”
“I’ll tell you why
not. Because it’s totally inaccurate,
that’s why not!”
“How so?”
“For one thing, we cannot
submit to the IRS as expense items a week’s worth of Dunkin Doughnut receipts.”
“How come?”
“Because it’s not a legitimate
business expense, that’s how come.”
“Well, I don’t see why
not. My galley was bein’ remodeled, so
I couldn’t eat at home.”
“That’s wonderful. But the IRS will be quick to point out that
we don’t do business in your galley.
And speaking of pointing things out, this ledger sheet you gave me has
missing entries. I know we made more
money over the past three months than what you have tallied here.”
“Nope. I think that’s accurate the way it is.”
“Well, I don’t. For example, Mr. Rayburn paid us fifteen
hundred dollars when we completed his case.
You’ve recorded here that we only received a thousand dollars from him.”
“That’s ‘cause when I
deposited his check in the bank I kept five hundred back. I used it to pay for the ceramic tile I put
around my sink.”
“We’ll discuss that
little matter you neglected to mention until this moment at another time. Meanwhile, you can’t do that, Rick. Regardless of what you spent part of Mr.
Rayburn’s money on, the fact still remains that the business took in fifteen
hundred dollars from him and we have to report that.”
“Who says?”
“Who says? The IRS says. That’s who says!”
“Aw, they’ll never know.”
“They’ll never know? We were paid with a check, Rick. That little slip of paper we endorsed with
Simon and Simon on the back, is easily traceable. And what about this entry farther down? In the expense column?
What’s this entry about trading even up with Bruno?”
“Oh, that. That’s for some phone numbers Bruno gave us
when we were workin’ on the O’Grady case.
Bruno didn’t charge us for his time.
He took something in on trade, so to speak.”
“Need I remind you once
again that we are not a car dealership?
We don’t trade personal property in return for information. Now what article of clothing did I lose this
time?”
“Uh...well, uh...those
shoes you bought last year when you went to New York.”
“My Italian loafers? No, please, not my three hundred dollar
Italian loafers.”
“Yep...uh...those would be
the ones. Bruno’s admired ‘em from afar
for quite some time now.”
“But what good will they
do him? They’re a size 10. For heaven’s sake Bruno must wear a 14 at
least.”
“Fifteen actually. And I don’t really know what he’s gonna do
with ‘em. He’ll probably trade ‘em to
someone else. That’s how Bruno does
things, ya’ know.”
“Yes, I know. He’s probably traded off an entire closet
full of my clothes by now.”
“Probably.”
“I wish he’d start
admiring your clothes for a change.”
“Not likely to happen,
A.J. Bruno’s got better taste than
that.”
“Everyone’s got
better taste than that. Now, to get
back to the business at hand, you’re going to have to help me reconstruct the
last three months of cash flow so I can get the quarterly returns filed.”
“Now?”
“Yes, now.”
“Oh, all right. But this certainly wasn’t what I was
plannin’ on doin’ today. I already did
my part.”
“If you’d done your part
correctly, then neither one of us would have to do this today. I swear, Rick, the more help you try to be
the less help you are at all.”
“So does this mean I’m off
tax duty from now on?”
“It’s a tempting
thought. Hey, did you plan this?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Rick, if I find out you
screwed all this up on purpose, I swear I’ll report you to the IRS myself. If this is how you keep your own records, I can
guarantee you that you’ll be spending
time in a Federal prison.”
“Nah. I’ve got a sweet
little gal down at Anderson’s Tax Service who does my taxes for me every
year. She knows just what to do in
order to keep my records straight, and I know just what to do in order to thank
her, if you get my drift.”
“All too well. Only my brother would be cavorting between
the sheets with the woman who prepares his taxes.”
“Hey, I’ve got good
business sense, A.J. Maybe if you had
better sense for these types of things then we wouldn’t have the mess to
straighten out we do.”
“Me? Me? Why you—-“
“Now, now, A.J. Temper, temper. If you hurt me, you’ll never be able to get that quarterly tax
filing done on time.”
“That’s okay. I’ll just write off your untimely demise as
a legitimate business expense. Maybe
even depreciate your corpse over the next couple of years.”
“Uh...let’s get those
taxes done, shall we? After all, A.J.,
it’s like I always say. There’s no time
like the present to take care of legitimate business expenses.”
~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
