The Rules
By: Kenda
“What
ya' so down in the mouth for today, A.J.?
You've been sittin' over there mopin' since you came in this morning.”
“I have not
been!”
“And
you're short tempered, too. A sure sign
that all is not well in paradise.”
“I'm not short
tempered! And what the hell do you mean
by, all is not well in parad...okay, okay, I guess you're right. I have been...out of sorts today. Sorry.”
“No
apology necessary, little brother. I
understand. You and Liz had a
little...spat, I take it?”
“No! Well...yes.
Yes, we did.”
“What
about this time? If you don't mind me
askin', that is.”
“Oh, just the
usual. She was mad because I showed up
two hours late for our date last night.
She didn't sound mad when I called her earlier in the afternoon, to tell
her I might be late depending on how
our case moved along. As a matter of
fact, she said that was just fine. That
she had some things to do around the house anyway. Then the next thing you know, she's giving me the cold shoulder
all through dinner. Women! I swear, Rick, no matter how long I live,
I'll never understand them.”
“That's
'cause you keep tryin'.”
“Pardon me?”
“Your
first mistake, A.J., comes from the fact that you keep trying to
understand women to begin with. You
play their game. Never, but never, play
along with them.”
“This advice
from a man who hasn't had a steady relationship since he was seventeen, and
wanted to run off and join the circus with Peggy Sue Ditmeyer.”
“Ah...Peggy
Sue Ditmeyer. I haven't thought of her
in years. She was quite the little
gymnast. Man, could that girl do a back
bend.”
“I don't think I
want to hear this.”
“Don't
worry. You're not gonna. You were too young to hear the details when I
was seein' her, and you're still too young to hear 'em.”
“Ha. Ha.”
“Seriously,
A.J. I think I can help you out
here. In reality, understanding women
is really quite simple as long as you remember the rules.”
“The rules? What rules?”
“These
rules. Number one. The female always makes the rules.”
“No kidding.”
“No
kidding is right, little brother.
Number two. The rules are
subject to change at any time without prior notification.”
“Like Liz saying
it was okay that I was going to be late last night, then being ticked off
because I was, in fact, late?”
“Exactly. See, you're gettin' the hang of this, baby
brother. Number three. No male can possibly know all the rules. Only females are born with this knowledge.”
“No wonder I'm
fighting a losing battle.”
“Even
more than you might think, because if the female suspects the male knows all
the rules, she may immediately changes the above mentioned rules without prior
consent from the male.”
“Boy, Liz has
got this stuff down pat.”
“They
all do, A.J. Believe me, they all
do. On to number five. The female
is never wrong.
“And
number six. If by chance the female is
wrong, it’s because of a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of
something the male did or said wrong.
“Which
leads us to number seven. If rule
number six
applies, the male must immediately
apologize for causing the misunderstanding.”
“That's exactly
what happened to me last night! I ended
up being the one apologizing for the way our evening turned out, when Liz was
the one who started the whole fight to begin with.”
“See
how clever they are, A.J.? See how Liz
turned that all around on you without you even realizing it?”
“I do now.”
“Number
eight. The rule all males learn early
in life. The female can change her mind
at any given point in time.
“And
coinciding with that, number nine. The
male must never change his mind without written consent from the female.”
“How true.”
“Yeah,
it is. Now, number ten. And probably the most important one to keep
in mind. The female has every right to
be angry or upset at any given time.”
“Don't I know
it.”
“With
a girlfriend like Liz, I'd have to say you do.”
“Rick!”
“Hey,
I'm just bein' honest here, A.J. On to
number eleven, and tied into number ten.
The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be
angry or upset.
“And
the most confusing of all, rule number twelve.
The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or
not she wants him to be angry or upset.”
“Isn't that the
truth! First Liz was mad at me last
night because I wouldn't fight with her over the fact that I was late. Then when she'd finally pushed me to the
point that I started to yell, too, she got all teary-eyed and told me I had no
right to be upset and to holler at her like that. I swear, Rick, I couldn't win.
At first she was mad because I wasn't mad, and then she was mad
because I was!”
“That's
how women work, A.J. They purposely
excel at keeping us off balance, so they have the upper hand at all times.”
“Thanks, Rick,
for sharing these rules with me. For
once something you've said makes sense.
I'm going to spend time thinking about all you've passed along to me,
and see what I can change for the better between Liz and myself.”
“Change?”
“Yes,
change. Why?”
“It
will never work, A.J. I forgot to tell
you rule number thirteen.”
“Rule number
thirteen?”
“Yeah. Any attempt to change said rules could
result in severe punishment inflicted on the male by the female.”
“I'll never
win.”
“No,
A.J., you won't. No male will. Believe me, the women of world will see to
that.”
~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I
read these amusing ‘women’s rules’ years ago, and incorporated them into this
story using Rick and A.J. I did not
write the rules, therefore can’t take credit for their origin. The author was not named. All I can take credit for is incorporating
the Rules into this little Simon and Simon story. <G>
